If You Want Me…


Heartbreaks and promises
I’ve had more than my share
I’m tired of giving my love
And getting nowhere, nowhere

It’s been so long since I touched a wanting hand
I can’t put my love on the line that I hope you’ll understand

So baby if you want me
You’ve got to show me love
Words are so easy to say
But you’ve got to show me love
But you’ve got to show me love

I’m tired of getting caught up
In those one night affairs
What I need is somebody
Who will always be there

Don’t you promise me the world
All that I’ve already heard
This time around for me baby
Actions speak louder than words

So if you’re looking for devotion
Talk to me
Come with your heart in your hands
Because my love is guaranteed

Give me a reason.

If you want me,

Show me love

Wildest Dreams

It’s already 2016.

I passed the subconscious test of leaving 2015 behind. The end of last year was momentous in ways that I have never imagined. Luckily I ‘documented’ the changes that I underwent and it help me realise that I am fluid in changing myself to suit the current situation I am in/putting myself in. I am a fluid creature. Nothing seems to be able to catch me red handed in something longer than say, a month. What I felt, hell, you can’t even fathom one thing that stays the next minute. I am a roller coaster ride. November was hurtful but December is the revelation. It was a moment of clarity that started with a person existing halfway across the world and it just never stop. I started the new year with a bang if I may say…nothing was remotely the same. The past me of these 6-7 years is slowly evolving to finally undertake the path that I never paid enough attention to. I wanted to, deep inside I knew, but I don’t think I can make it. I don’t have anything to hold on to, that I am good enough and I actually willing to work on myself; the project that never really take off. It makes all these years are like holidays spent lazying around wasting my young years, watching myself like a worn out movie.

The last time I remembered giving in to this battle I have inside was 7 years ago. Few weeks spent worthwhile before the next years in the dank, uninspired, thoughtless trainwreck mind that is pliable to every single thing be it good or bad. You can never imagine what it’s like to live uninspired unless you have gone through it. It was always the same thing that plagues my mind from before…it was the same monster. It was so bad that the thoughts of abysses and cliffs cling onto me, and I let it. I am still reminded that it is still there but I can turn the other way. I sought solace in so many places that I never thought I should only look to myself and find it. I needed somewhere to hang dry while all this soul searching takes place and it came in an unlikely timing. But in all of my instances with my sources of inspiration, my Muses, all never end well. I am preparing myself to that day. Thinking of this will make me want to drift back to a dark place where I put on too many weights on someone that isn’t within my grasp since I couldn’t put a name to the one that lights the fire within my heart until I set my sights on him, and it can took months, or this time, 7 years. This must sound crazy to somebody else but know this…you can look everywhere for inspirations and the drive to mould your ideas into something good enough to be real, it’s different from one soul to another, but when it came you can’t even prepare yourself for the new horizons you’d be willing to go to constantly improve yourself. I was dying in those years that I don’t care of the kind of person that I really am. I am a prospector. I NEED changes, I NEED improvements, I want to always be able to create and generate imaginations and ideas. I don’t want to be with someone who wants to settle down to the things that I’m afraid of, a life of existential routines, the kind of life you live because you have to get by.

I want to know what it’s like when you have everything to lose but you’d still do it. I want to know what does it mean by ‘you can’t afford to turn back.’ Of course, this applies to my professional life which I can’t afford to turn away from, since I need it to pay everything that I drive, eat and live in. Like every other average young victims of ‘the comfortable life’. What if you don’t want to be comfortable? Then you have lots of questions only you knew the answers. I needed a Muse, which is a weakness and I hate it. I still don’t know how to handle it in a fully sophisticated manner that I don’t let myself down later down the road. For the time being, it is an amazing state of mind that I dreamed about these past years of being morbidly disgusted by my lack of progress in anything. It is time to dream bigger dreams, dear 2016.

p/s: Titles are songs that I am listening to at the time of starting the post.


Sometimes my mind is made up
This is the artist life.
where you write, about what you dreamed of, what you can’t have, and drown in the sorrow that a human is limited being, never aligned with reality because there are so many lives,

you wanted it all.
at the same time you existed in a parallel universe of all minute things, you are the incandescent soul that allows and is changed by everything
you purposely make your life about something or someone, who isn’t necessarily in your grasp, because you feed on the longing and the need of someone else,
to solely justify all your subconcious evaluations on life’s infinite possibilities, it lights your mind and fuel the energy to roll out of bed in the morning,
more than coffee and the sun on your face,
and it’s natural for you to connect the long distant dots together in one sentence.
you are forever extending yourself, reaching out to enrich your life with the sensations of the lives around you.
you feel and experience all, you then resent all
the light years you had lived in your mind tires you out.
you wish you can bring the shutters down and hide in your cowardice
your hopes are too heavy of a burden to bear, and the expectations you set for yourself
you cried openly, loved silently, unconditionally,
fiercely accomodating,
and left the scars in your soul that no one can possibly fill,
because you deliberately chosen to be the melancholy
in your many lives. it is mysteriously satisfying to not allow yourself to be in the path like every other mortal,
as it is a losing battle against immortallizations of the impossible loves you’ve had
it is murderous to your sanity, yet you will only try and try again.
to illuminate the reason why you can feel everything
by dancing on the papers and carve out the words,
that there is a reason after all….for this ability to silently descent into madness,
everytime you let yourself to be inspired.


p/s: Title borrowed from the song ‘Hurricane’ by Halsey.


RYAN ADAMS – Wildest Dreams by Taylor Swift (cover)

Such a magnificent cover. The entire Ryan Adam’s rip off of Taylor Swift’s 1989 album is far more listen-able that I can’t describe it. Added to that I LOVE checking out covers of famous radio hits, moreover if a male-female cover…most of it will bring the song to new horizons.

I was born in the year 1989. I think it was a pretty good year to be born at lol at the crossover of the new 90s era going to the revolutionary 2000’s…the last of the 80’s, inarguably the best fucking era ever. I’m going to be 26 exactly 30 days from today.  So I think, does anyone ever stops wanting more at life? Is 26 old? To want to find your soulmate out in this world and beyond…wanting to illuminate the galaxies in your mind into a form that other people could see…figuring out your complexities and juxtapositions…build memories with people that you love…enrich yourself with all cultures of the world and sights that befalls your eyes…

I mean when would people stop wanting more?
I think I have this disease of loving the world too much, this attachment to live so many lives on this world, increasingly afraid of losing the track of time. So how do people like me balances it?
How do I live in a one final destination scheme of things while all these other lives in my mind wanting its presence to be realized?
It’s almost a point where I wish to transform into a greater dust than earth, that is able to transcend time and places….so that I could be all and experience all.
It’s rocket science.


Didn’t have a better title name in the moment. My mind is so drained in a freakish way that I can’t even explain and feel. Like the capacity has been reduced over time. I feel a strenuous struggle writing now, even these novice lines…just to choose the right words over zillions of words to put the meaning where it should to feel it as an accomplishment after finishing it. On a positive note, I spent after work hours with my boss in a successful dine out. Lol! I could take your normal day out together as a task to achieve. What an annoying perfectionist (or a people pleaser?). But it was genuine. I’m blessed with a really good boss!! The moment you arrive to a place with someone you just knew in less than a year, there are bound to be some prickly moments that me, as a good social navigator (ahaha), won’t let it get in my way. I will reverse all the nanoseconds silence to an interesting topic before it drifts into awkward silence. When that person is very nice it’s such an easy thing to do.

I wasn’t born a natural in social interactions with people I just knew. I remembered when I was in school I did have a lot of friends especially those that everyone knew, but nobody knows me. I’m the best sidekick to the queen bee as I managed to finally accept in later teenage years…hahaha I used to feel bad about it, every teen does. Friends are my priorities. I had numerous bestfriends…haha. Seriously though there are just a few that stays in a special place in my heart. I had all those years that I spent over the phone with my bestfriends, gossiping about other girls, crying over boys, making all sorts of assumptions about the only world that we knew: school. It was a small world but it was so real. In the adult world I missed that kind of obsession that I had with my life and people in it. I think about what to do with other people. where to go etc now I just go anywhere I wanna go as I please, by myself, with absolutely no need of company. Back then I enjoyed being around friends and family more than being alone.

The situation that unfolds whenever you’re with someone new in life you’re subconsciously trying to appear better. In a conversation you’d be aware of the amount of time you spent talking about you and then pass the baton to other person at the table. You don’t want to sound as a self-loathing or the negative complainer. With people you knew for years…you just didn’t care. Didn’t have to care. You can be the annoying cow or that overbearing social butterfly who wanna outshine everyone. Or shout across the room. Sometimes I miss this so much.

Borderless Love

Referring to my fascination with reality TVs from previous posts, today I couldn’t believe I spent about 3 hours plus watching 90-Day Fiance reruns and cried at all of their weddings loool as much as I wanted to say that I’m not a romantic (maybe I was born that way) but I grew up to be a cynic; when I saw weddings where real people whose love for each other exceeds everyone’s expectations, it brought tears to my eyes :( I seldom cries in real life though, I find myself cry through other people’s lives, fictions and make believes. Truly a dreamer. So anyway, I only watched Season 2 (yea the one where Danielle and Mohamed were on lol) this show has a few important issues about love and marriage especially under unusual situations; different cultures and races, religions, language barriers, age gap, different backgrounds, unwilling families and friends. One already knows that marriage as itself already involves a lot of emotional capacity, now add to that all the above factors. I honestly couldn’t believe these people made through it! All decided while in the process of knowing each other. I suppose the end result might be different if there were no cameras following them around. A lot of people who has a short history together, like couples who were matched by their families/mutual friends have these people expectations of them that they just had to go on with it. Here goes nothing. Of course they’d live as happy couples, having kids and all….I could see the truth in their marriages. But, as what these types of couples told me, a lot of the process happens after they were married. Working together as husband and wife is the cause of the pleasant marriage after the vows were said.

I have big respect for mixed couples who made it work. The cynic in me is so touched by their love stories, so unlike the norm. It’s only logical and totally fathomable that people say the foreign partner is in it for own benefit but, in normal situations people also marry for a good future; having life companion, financial security, somebody to take care of/taking care of you. Who would marry someone who has nothing to offer? Only in an abusing relationship this happens. He doesn’t even have any decency in character that would inspire you let alone the material things crucial to build a life together. I mean to marry a good man who is hard working than marry a wealthy criminal is naturally a positive choice. Anyway, in the show the foreign partner must vouch for the acceptance from new families in a foreign country who has no idea who you are and your culture is just so hard to imagine. They’re not even had lived in the country; they were as clueless as a tourist! It’s even grittier than Married at First Sight show. I’d want the drama in my love life lol it’s hardly practical but since I’m a dreamer, this sounds appealing to me. The road less taken. I want to be in a love that blows my mind and as I’ve been able to decipher from the past and future of my life, one that inspires me.

Rewind, Rants

Going through some of my past favourite songs, I rejoiced how I discovered them. Great finds are almost all unplanned =) Not forgetting the amazing soundtracks on the TV shows I watched when I was a teen. First SIA song I listened to was ‘Breathe Me’, it was on a soundtrack. SIA wasn’t as famous as she is now. At least  at where I’m from. Found Lykke Li after listening through all kinds of bad remixes. And Yuna, I remembered listening to MET10 (Malaysian English Top 10) lying on the floor in my room. It was the way I spent my evenings. It was raw and not radio edited. She wasn’t famous. I recalled that and I feel proud to have been following her music earlier than the boom she gets after that. Since then it was a hidden dream to be able to actually follow the inclinations of writing and properly call it a piece of writing, not scribbles, junks I left on paper. I kept it all in a lot of random books and waste paper. The only time another human being ever read what I wrote was by a friend at border school. Damn I’ve never felt as threatened lol. How do people launch themselves into these things? Fear of not being good enough, and the most feared, is being unoriginal. This scared me so much. Added to that my scattered thought process since I started working. Ugh. Tomorrow is weekday!!! The professional life…

21 March

I’ve been getting into a lot of reality TV shows recently LOL

They’re awesome T_T

I just started watching 90 Days Fiance now loool it’s season 2 and only one episode but man I know I like these kinds of juicy gossip show. It’s similar to watching Married at First Sight. It’s a show on social experiment. I can’t distance myself from stuff like this. I also always seemed to like seeing interracial couple in the real world. All across the globe there are unrest stirred around race and religion issues, because people view it as this complex thing while these people see past that and are superior to any random stranger (and even importantly their families and friends) that yeah we’re different and all but we’re willing to take the stand to say we love each other and see how it goes. How people can move continents to be with each other is beyond me lol I’m aware that people do that sometimes but it’s still unimaginable until they put a camera to film them haha gonna enjoy so much of reality TV nowadays hmmmm

The Creative Life

That is just too beautiful.

I spent hours building my dream homes on The Sims 3. I first started back when The Sims 1, 2 dimensional and shit, when the gameplay bores me I switched to build mode and from there endless amount of ideas came out. I know it’s a simulation, a game but heckkk it satisfy the craving to get ideas out. I still do! When I was a kid I love to draw a lot. I actually never get bored of drawing, it’s just because I draw until I hate the outcome so I stop. Lol. Once I thought I’d be an interior designer when I grow up (a pretty weird choice back then if you know how I was brought up/where I came from) but as you know adulthood destroys the notion. I don’t draw anymore now, I can’t seem able to write, I don’t do stuff that I do when I’m inspired. Everyday I’m trying to inspire myself to something I could make something out of. But occasionally this falls out to the last point in day to day priorities. I’m here posting this to remind myself how much I need to get back in the game, whatever it was that I once did/able to do. It’s the least I could do to avoid the insanity of not being a full person when I continued to ignore the yearning I always felt all this time but never strong enough.

I never wanted something so much in my life nowadays and that is Sad.

Dropping by…


GOSH I missed blogging sometimes, like a lot. I missed actually pouring out my thoughts and opinions, a better release than just formulating all these thinking and debate with my own self in my head…lol

I’m still alive and well (if I actually have readers haha) and yes I think I’m still the same person. I often question myself; did I changed? When I was stuck by important decisions (which is everyday) I always ask how much of myself still remains? What are my virtues and are they still there in me.