13/8/15

Didn’t have a better title name in the moment. My mind is so drained in a freakish way that I can’t even explain and feel. Like the capacity has been reduced over time. I feel a strenuous struggle writing now, even these novice lines…just to choose the right words over zillions of words to put the meaning where it should to feel it as an accomplishment after finishing it. On a positive note, I spent after work hours with my boss in a successful dine out. Lol! I could take your normal day out together as a task to achieve. What an annoying perfectionist (or a people pleaser?). But it was genuine. I’m blessed with a really good boss!! The moment you arrive to a place with someone you just knew in less than a year, there are bound to be some prickly moments that me, as a good social navigator (ahaha), won’t let it get in my way. I will reverse all the nanoseconds silence to an interesting topic before it drifts into awkward silence. When that person is very nice it’s such an easy thing to do.

I wasn’t born a natural in social interactions with people I just knew. I remembered when I was in school I did have a lot of friends especially those that everyone knew, but nobody knows me. I’m the best sidekick to the queen bee as I managed to finally accept in later teenage years…hahaha I used to feel bad about it, every teen does. Friends are my priorities. I had numerous bestfriends…haha. Seriously though there are just a few that stays in a special place in my heart. I had all those years that I spent over the phone with my bestfriends, gossiping about other girls, crying over boys, making all sorts of assumptions about the only world that we knew: school. It was a small world but it was so real. In the adult world I missed that kind of obsession that I had with my life and people in it. I think about what to do with other people. where to go etc now I just go anywhere I wanna go as I please, by myself, with absolutely no need of company. Back then I enjoyed being around friends and family more than being alone.

The situation that unfolds whenever you’re with someone new in life you’re subconsciously trying to appear better. In a conversation you’d be aware of the amount of time you spent talking about you and then pass the baton to other person at the table. You don’t want to sound as a self-loathing or the negative complainer. With people you knew for years…you just didn’t care. Didn’t have to care. You can be the annoying cow or that overbearing social butterfly who wanna outshine everyone. Or shout across the room. Sometimes I miss this so much.

Borderless Love

Referring to my fascination with reality TVs from previous posts, today I couldn’t believe I spent about 3 hours plus watching 90-Day Fiance reruns and cried at all of their weddings loool as much as I wanted to say that I’m not a romantic (maybe I was born that way) but I grew up to be a cynic; when I saw weddings where real people whose love for each other exceeds everyone’s expectations, it brought tears to my eyes :( I seldom cries in real life though, I find myself cry through other people’s lives, fictions and make believes. Truly a dreamer. So anyway, I only watched Season 2 (yea the one where Danielle and Mohamed were on lol) this show has a few important issues about love and marriage especially under unusual situations; different cultures and races, religions, language barriers, age gap, different backgrounds, unwilling families and friends. One already knows that marriage as itself already involves a lot of emotional capacity, now add to that all the above factors. I honestly couldn’t believe these people made through it! All decided while in the process of knowing each other. I suppose the end result might be different if there were no cameras following them around. A lot of people who has a short history together, like couples who were matched by their families/mutual friends have these people expectations of them that they just had to go on with it. Here goes nothing. Of course they’d live as happy couples, having kids and all….I could see the truth in their marriages. But, as what these types of couples told me, a lot of the process happens after they were married. Working together as husband and wife is the cause of the pleasant marriage after the vows were said.

I have big respect for mixed couples who made it work. The cynic in me is so touched by their love stories, so unlike the norm. It’s only logical and totally fathomable that people say the foreign partner is in it for own benefit but, in normal situations people also marry for a good future; having life companion, financial security, somebody to take care of/taking care of you. Who would marry someone who has nothing to offer? Only in an abusing relationship this happens. He doesn’t even have any decency in character that would inspire you let alone the material things crucial to build a life together. I mean to marry a good man who is hard working than marry a wealthy criminal is naturally a positive choice. Anyway, in the show the foreign partner must vouch for the acceptance from new families in a foreign country who has no idea who you are and your culture is just so hard to imagine. They’re not even had lived in the country; they were as clueless as a tourist! It’s even grittier than Married at First Sight show. I’d want the drama in my love life lol it’s hardly practical but since I’m a dreamer, this sounds appealing to me. The road less taken. I want to be in a love that blows my mind and as I’ve been able to decipher from the past and future of my life, one that inspires me.

Rewind, Rants

Going through some of my past favourite songs, I rejoiced how I discovered them. Great finds are almost all unplanned =) Not forgetting the amazing soundtracks on the TV shows I watched when I was a teen. First SIA song I listened to was ‘Breathe Me’, it was on a soundtrack. SIA wasn’t as famous as she is now. At least  at where I’m from. Found Lykke Li after listening through all kinds of bad remixes. And Yuna, I remembered listening to MET10 (Malaysian English Top 10) lying on the floor in my room. It was the way I spent my evenings. It was raw and not radio edited. She wasn’t famous. I recalled that and I feel proud to have been following her music earlier than the boom she gets after that. Since then it was a hidden dream to be able to actually follow the inclinations of writing and properly call it a piece of writing, not scribbles, junks I left on paper. I kept it all in a lot of random books and waste paper. The only time another human being ever read what I wrote was by a friend at border school. Damn I’ve never felt as threatened lol. How do people launch themselves into these things? Fear of not being good enough, and the most feared, is being unoriginal. This scared me so much. Added to that my scattered thought process since I started working. Ugh. Tomorrow is weekday!!! The professional life…

21 March

I’ve been getting into a lot of reality TV shows recently LOL

They’re awesome T_T

I just started watching 90 Days Fiance now loool it’s season 2 and only one episode but man I know I like these kinds of juicy gossip show. It’s similar to watching Married at First Sight. It’s a show on social experiment. I can’t distance myself from stuff like this. I also always seemed to like seeing interracial couple in the real world. All across the globe there are unrest stirred around race and religion issues, because people view it as this complex thing while these people see past that and are superior to any random stranger (and even importantly their families and friends) that yeah we’re different and all but we’re willing to take the stand to say we love each other and see how it goes. How people can move continents to be with each other is beyond me lol I’m aware that people do that sometimes but it’s still unimaginable until they put a camera to film them haha gonna enjoy so much of reality TV nowadays hmmmm

The Creative Life

That is just too beautiful.

I spent hours building my dream homes on The Sims 3. I first started back when The Sims 1, 2 dimensional and shit, when the gameplay bores me I switched to build mode and from there endless amount of ideas came out. I know it’s a simulation, a game but heckkk it satisfy the craving to get ideas out. I still do! When I was a kid I love to draw a lot. I actually never get bored of drawing, it’s just because I draw until I hate the outcome so I stop. Lol. Once I thought I’d be an interior designer when I grow up (a pretty weird choice back then if you know how I was brought up/where I came from) but as you know adulthood destroys the notion. I don’t draw anymore now, I can’t seem able to write, I don’t do stuff that I do when I’m inspired. Everyday I’m trying to inspire myself to something I could make something out of. But occasionally this falls out to the last point in day to day priorities. I’m here posting this to remind myself how much I need to get back in the game, whatever it was that I once did/able to do. It’s the least I could do to avoid the insanity of not being a full person when I continued to ignore the yearning I always felt all this time but never strong enough.

I never wanted something so much in my life nowadays and that is Sad.

Dropping by…

Hi.

GOSH I missed blogging sometimes, like a lot. I missed actually pouring out my thoughts and opinions, a better release than just formulating all these thinking and debate with my own self in my head…lol

I’m still alive and well (if I actually have readers haha) and yes I think I’m still the same person. I often question myself; did I changed? When I was stuck by important decisions (which is everyday) I always ask how much of myself still remains? What are my virtues and are they still there in me.

2015

Hello

My blog is gettin seriously dusty

I made a post on the new year on my Instagram. Felt a bad urge of having to write it out. About how out of place I felt leaving 2014 behind. I always had trouble in letting go of stuff…so I made a run-through of what I wanna write on WordPress for today. Sadly as you know it, it was gone from my head.

That is quickly becomes my first 2015 resolution (as if) : NEVER PUT OFF WRITING