It’s already 2016.
I passed the subconscious test of leaving 2015 behind. The end of last year was momentous in ways that I have never imagined. Luckily I ‘documented’ the changes that I underwent and it help me realise that I am fluid in changing myself to suit the current situation I am in/putting myself in. I am a fluid creature. Nothing seems to be able to catch me red handed in something longer than say, a month. What I felt, hell, you can’t even fathom one thing that stays the next minute. I am a roller coaster ride. November was hurtful but December is the revelation. It was a moment of clarity that started with a person existing halfway across the world and it just never stop. I started the new year with a bang if I may say…nothing was remotely the same. The past me of these 6-7 years is slowly evolving to finally undertake the path that I never paid enough attention to. I wanted to, deep inside I knew, but I don’t think I can make it. I don’t have anything to hold on to, that I am good enough and I actually willing to work on myself; the project that never really take off. It makes all these years are like holidays spent lazying around wasting my young years, watching myself like a worn out movie.
The last time I remembered giving in to this battle I have inside was 7 years ago. Few weeks spent worthwhile before the next years in the dank, uninspired, thoughtless trainwreck mind that is pliable to every single thing be it good or bad. You can never imagine what it’s like to live uninspired unless you have gone through it. It was always the same thing that plagues my mind from before…it was the same monster. It was so bad that the thoughts of abysses and cliffs cling onto me, and I let it. I am still reminded that it is still there but I can turn the other way. I sought solace in so many places that I never thought I should only look to myself and find it. I needed somewhere to hang dry while all this soul searching takes place and it came in an unlikely timing. But in all of my instances with my sources of inspiration, my Muses, all never end well. I am preparing myself to that day. Thinking of this will make me want to drift back to a dark place where I put on too many weights on someone that isn’t within my grasp since I couldn’t put a name to the one that lights the fire within my heart until I set my sights on him, and it can took months, or this time, 7 years. This must sound crazy to somebody else but know this…you can look everywhere for inspirations and the drive to mould your ideas into something good enough to be real, it’s different from one soul to another, but when it came you can’t even prepare yourself for the new horizons you’d be willing to go to constantly improve yourself. I was dying in those years that I don’t care of the kind of person that I really am. I am a prospector. I NEED changes, I NEED improvements, I want to always be able to create and generate imaginations and ideas. I don’t want to be with someone who wants to settle down to the things that I’m afraid of, a life of existential routines, the kind of life you live because you have to get by.
I want to know what it’s like when you have everything to lose but you’d still do it. I want to know what does it mean by ‘you can’t afford to turn back.’ Of course, this applies to my professional life which I can’t afford to turn away from, since I need it to pay everything that I drive, eat and live in. Like every other average young victims of ‘the comfortable life’. What if you don’t want to be comfortable? Then you have lots of questions only you knew the answers. I needed a Muse, which is a weakness and I hate it. I still don’t know how to handle it in a fully sophisticated manner that I don’t let myself down later down the road. For the time being, it is an amazing state of mind that I dreamed about these past years of being morbidly disgusted by my lack of progress in anything. It is time to dream bigger dreams, dear 2016.
p/s: Titles are songs that I am listening to at the time of starting the post.
I N S O M N I AC 