November

This year my wish is one thing.

And it’s an escape plan. Too many times I’ve been wondering who am I and what makes me the person that I am. Im sure Im in the wrong shoes. It weighted on me all this while. Im at the crossroads of life, being graduated and having my first job…standard life plan. But I ache for something at the other side. Im ungrateful, mean, regretful. Im only 24 but I felt like all 24 years are a waste if I know back then that I’ll be this person today. Recently Ive read about that X Factor AU contestant Bella Ferraro that actually left school because she wasn’t ‘happy’. Her mother was upset but she saw a weight is lifted, and she can sing better after that. And she sang beautifully. The way a person does when she does it with all of her heart. I dont know how to do that. How to put heart into what you do? I dont get it…I dont like what I do in the first place…and I cant force myself. I thought Im this strong person but Im not. Im all that I think Im not. 24 years to come back to square one. 

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Always A Woman

She only reveals what she wants you to see

She hides like a child,

but she’s always a woman to me.

She never gives in

She’ll bring out the best 

and the worst you can be

Blame it all on yourself

Cause she’s always a woman to me.

Fyfe Dangerfield ‘She’s Always A Woman’

 

 

 

XX

Light reflects from your shadow

It’s more than I thought could exist

You move through the room

Like breathing was easy

If anyone believes me,

They’ll be as in love with you as I am

Being as in love with you as I am

Update

I’m nearing the end of Phase 1 and about to enter Phase 2 of life. I see my friends are getting scared and nervous preparing for this. My news will arrive probably in early December. I have about 1 month more where I am right now. I don’t know how to face this change but for sure I know I’m very very eager to leave (as I already noted in previous posts). I don’t hate this place but I certainly am crippled by it, by the experiences…it got me somewhere I never before. A good thing but very harsh.

I still haven’t write anything, useful or have continuity values. I seem to stuck at procrastinated jobs and paying my debts for it. I haven’t played my piano, my games; basically stuff that inspires me. I’m devoid of inspiration. It’s milking the life away from me. I’ve been struggling with this, as a person with an explosive other life in mind and having to juggle a profession that needs every focus and passion…it’s hard. Everyone is fighting a different war…

Life (inspiration) and death (routines, jobs). It is a warzone for me. This 1 year is very tough.