A person dear to me

Lola’s Story – The Atlantic

As I was reading this article I find myself revelling in my own sadness of losing my grandmother last year. It’d be one full year next month since her sudden passing.

The author wrote about Lola, a woman who has been at a servitude to three generations of his family through her life since 18 years old, without pay nor freedom. A life of a slave. To this I can’t relate to, with the life of my grandmother. But the fact that she took care of all of us at various points in our lives and also our cousins and extended family. To her everyone in the family is as important as the other one who came before them.

Reading the author description of the things Lola did for him when he was a kid. When I was young at about 9 I was having a really bad eczema throughout my body (it actually just stopped when I was about 21) It sucks but I lived with it. Whenever my mom would have her staying with us she’d taken to her responsibility to calm me and put on a traditional sea cucumber oil to affected areas and massage them. She’d read some prayers while patting me until I fell asleep. I used to dislike that for a while and I remembered feeling like wanting to push her away. I’d say I practically grew up avoiding physical contacts like too much hugging, kissing cheeks etc that in the contrary, my best friend had both her parents expressing love in front of everyone in the school bus every morning. And I used to feel gosh didn’t she felt uncomfortable showing that in front of our friends? I don’t think it’d be something that I’d do. Only when I’m an adult I felt like I’ve missed all the opportunities.

Among all of my 8 siblings, I was the only one that had to be sent the longest time to the kampung (village) to be taken care of by my grandmother and grandfather. All of us had spent some of our lives here some months together but I was the one that had to be left alone for a longer time. I even went for the kindergarten across the street of my grandma’s house. It was just me, them and the endless yard that spans towards a large Mango orchard behind the compound. Me and my cousins who would come by every month or so would play outside until dusk and grandma would yell at us to come inside fearing of ghosts that specifically kidnaps little kids who doesn’t listen to their grownups. Well at least that was what she said and I abode! At night she would always say her prayers to keep us asleep despite waking up frequently to some creaking noises in the old house. She’d be there in the kitchen first in the dark of morning to prepare breakfast and starting her chores all over again. Her cuisines, had been ours and extended family traditions. She created a sense of belonging and togetherness while we’re in the kitchen, where we’d shared the most time and be reminiscing about years later when we are adults. Her selflessness was something I have never seen in anyone else except my mom. This serves well in retrospect, of all the years observing her life, giving more than she received without asking for any returns. My mom, however, gave her allowances which she would take some and give back to us her children by slipping it into our palms each time we came by.

Then life happened. When you had to chase the good life everyone is going for, you know, have a good degree, take a good stable job, earn your money and proceeded to the next new experiences. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for not going to see her more often, just 2 hours drive away from where I live. 2 hours seemed too long, too tedious for me. After work, I’ll be definitely arrive at night and I always find that as an excuse to not go for that week. And then the next. Then the other. As always I can picture her happiness when I called to inform that I’ll be coming by and how she’d cook my favorite dishes in abundance, later packing some for me to bring back. Right now I don’t know if I’ve ever shown her enough appreciation of who she was to me. I’ve written before that I’ve avoided some of her calls simply because I just don’t feel like talking. I don’t really take any phone calls anyway but to let my phone ring and the repeated beeps on her side of the phone, waiting just to ask about my day, was so thoughtless. That was the question I kept on asking myself since the moment my cousin called to told me in tears that she was gone. I didn’t know to cry or to slam the fucking phone. All I think was, did she knew that I loved her? That I appreciated her and I was sorry for not spending more time with her? I think she knew but I doubt it. She wouldn’t be upset or anything but walking back to years ago when I wasn’t independent and had my own car and a place to live, I was mad at myself for underappreciating her. There was so much more that I could’ve done better.

Ramadhan will arrive next week and at the end of the month, the Eid celebration. We’ve had the last one without her. It wasn’t nearly sad as I imagined. In the Eid morning we cook and prepare the traditional Eid food like usual and my mom knew all the recipes at the back of her hand. It wasn’t something that we couldn’t do without her. I didn’t really told myself that she was gone forever. I still think that she is just, there, even if I can’t see her anymore. It’s her house, her bed, her kitchen. It was like she just left for a while. I couldn’t hug nor does the routine asking for forgiveness and take a picture together in the Eid morning. It didn’t struck me as hard. After all I’m used to only coming to see her sometimes 4-5 months apart. Sometimes the ignorance is numbing. It’s an ability to actually shelf out everything to the back of your mind where you’ll not easily found it again. I find myself reaching to it when I think of her, to feel the sadness and longing of not having her here.

This reduced sensitivity that I have is alarming. But I become to understand it the more I live. It brought me to my second thought after reading this amazing article; I should embalm her memories and what she meant to me in a form that I can see and touch. So that I could come back to it. Keeping physical memorias is something I just decided on…something I never done. I’ve never kept a family member’s picture around me, even when I missed them badly when I was in boarding school and first year of work. Some of my most depressed years. A loved one, to me is best kept in my mind. The conversations I’ve had, the life event involving them, the scenes where we parted ways or meet. I have all these things playing out in my head when I’m missing someone. But I am blessed to not losing any one more of my immediate family and friends, and I still have the time to physically be with them and to show that I do love and appreciate them. For my grandma, that time has long passed. I need to honor her memories for all the years she had lived so full of selfless love and her passing that has caused so much loss that couldn’t be replaced in mine and the lives of everyone else who knew her.

Old playlist

So I went for a nice dinner with nice old friends and back home I logged to my computer surfing for nothing. I don’t wanna do my drawings and I’m too tired for gaming. I decided to plug my 10 years old portable hard drive that I still kept in a dusty miscellaneous box. And wow the things inside were the stuff that I loved but moved on from. Listening to the music that I was obsessed with 10 years ago is an eargasmic session. The way it opens up to you like it was the first time you heard it. To relive the first time things came into your mind is wonderful.

Little write up on Interracial/Interfaith relationship

This is quite a jump from my usual posts ( I don’t even post so much anyway lool) but it has been something I wanted to read and research on, and had done it quite extensively this recent week.

What exactly is the situation in this modern world?
Of course it’d be my dream to be able to talk and ask an actual person from a different race/culture/country about this and what they really think but since I don’t have a social life both real life and online, I can only scour the net as my endless resource lol
I’m using interracial and interfaith interchangeably (lool too much ‘inter’ words) because a person can be Muslim and not be classically identify as Muslims (eg Arabs. There are actually a lot of Arabs that are of other religions). Also a person may not wear hijab but is a Muslim. People would say that Islam isn’t a race (it isn’t but it’s too often to find people over the net judging a certain race to have it as their religion) and would exclude people of a rather different race (eg white Muslims who wear hijab) from the subject. So yeah if I use interracial only it wouldn’t be accurate to what I’m trying to write.

I recounted the stares I get when we were on that vacation in Samui where foreigners (westerners) kept on looking like they haven’t seen one and it’s uncomfortable. It was weird. I mean it’s not like there are no Muslims who frequented Thailand. It borders with a Muslim country and even have regions that has many Muslims.
It’s the first time that I was ever been in that kind of attention. I have never been to a western country to compare though. The farthest I’ve been overseas is Korea, where people look too, but is understandable since their country is homogeneous.
Unlike in the west. Lots of cultures in one place (at least in the city) and chances are they have seen one before.

So I am quite recently very interested in the subject of interracial relationship mainly because I’m one of those that has an open mind on interracial relationship (and finds them really inspiring), has a mild preference to date someone outside of my race if given the chance (not out of spite though) I would’ve explain better partially why (because I don’t think that I’ve figured it out 100%) in later post maybe but,
I would probably do it but to think of the many many barriers that exist in the realms of making and sustaining a relationship.

Specifically of a westerners view of a girl who wears a hijab (since it’s my situation). I’ve already understood the situation in my country, sort of. Main barrier is we have a law that dictates no marriages between a Muslim and a non-Muslim. People have done it but they’d eventually migrate somewhere else where their union won’t be disturbed.

I really wanna know what do they think of us when they see us? And the question: are we repulsive or attractive?

From what I gathered over random blogs, articles, message boards and forums including Reddit, this is it:

1) More often than not, they are attracted, but due to the no-go situation that presents itself they won’t pursue it. Some say prolly try it if the girl is reallyyy attractive and he can’t stop thinking about her but most say they would never ever tread that direction.

– that situation means when a girl in hijab is presumed to be very religious apart from their non hijabi counterparts. It’s easy to tell which is off limits and which aren’t – if they’re wearing a hijab. I’m saying this from the guys’ perspective that won’t mind dating a Muslim girl at all but she must not wear the hijab.
– the different culture and religion would be too much of a baggage to overcome in a long term relationship
– they mentioned about difficult family backgrounds where the family have a big say over her life decisions and it’s something off putting
– also it is assumed that the religion itself isn’t something they could’ve get along with because of the nature of it (words used eg backwards, cult, stoned age, oppressed etc) so a girl following this way of life must have qualities/personalities that they don’t want in a girlfriend
– too much incompatibilities in other specific areas
– thinking right off the bat that a hijabi girl won’t consider them as potential partners as they would’ve prefered someone from their own religion (and is religious) so why start in the first place?
– these people seemed to think that they’re actually being polite and respectful by not approaching her
– they view hijab as a huge barrier in forming a relationship. They would’ve like to, but wouldn’t because of that thing on her head (ikr lol)

2) In the middle ground, they are not attracted to nor repulsed. It’s just not their type and doesn’t flick anything on their minds.

– same like before these people doesn’t think that there’d be any possible chances anyway but they in the first place isn’t open to it. Might as well score a girl with similar attributes than foreign ones.

3) A group of them are definitely repulsed by it and by no means are open nor attracted.

– personal preferences to see hair and more physical features to be attracted to a girl no matter the religion.
– they simply dislike people who are religious regardless of religion
– they dislike the Muslim faith in the first place
– they disagree with the idea of hijab. Some say it’s a disadvantage to a woman’s beauty. Why would you hide your hair?

4) The weird ones. These guys could be trying to approach her simply because she is off limits by his standards. They have a certain picture of hijabi girls and would do it out of personal reasons that aren’t so…pure. It’d be just for fun because they knew it’ll not materialize.

Worthy of mentions:

– one out of 650+ messages has a good understanding of what is hijab and why muslim women wear it and is not repulsed by it for the correct reason. It is very rare to find this type of person.

– one guy said that he was always having these attractions for girls in hijab but never ever told anyone in real life because he knew he’d scare them. lmao

– a few did say that it just purely because they have different beliefs. Not a negative, not a positive. Just a fact that couldn’t be thrown away.

– one admitted to trying out his luck with a hijabi girl simply for fun because he knew the girl doesn’t even consider him anyway.

– one had an actual relationship (it didn’t work out I assumed) with a hijabi girl from a different country and he had only good memories out of it. He said the experience was the same like every other he had with girls of his own country and race. His words were interesting : ‘It is attractive to the open mind.’

– about 5 shared how they would’ve hit it off if the girl actually made an effort to flirt/show clearly that she does considered him as a potential partner and they’d definitely go with it. Crazy isn’t it?

– a few suggested that hijabi girl should take the hijab off if she wants some male attraction and sending the right signals for dating. holy crap!

—–

I must point out that what I’ve collected as a conclusion would be incomplete and probably just a tear off a duct since I haven’t spoke to anyone of my subject interest in real life and was processed through my own mind while having no experience in interracial relationship whatsoever but,

I can see a pattern of men not seeing the hijab itself as a barrier per se but more because of the reason behind it. It signifies loudly that that girl is following a belief system religiously and is simply put off by what it means as per their own understanding. This is the case if the guy doesn’t mind the religion. For some people that dislike/hate Islam in the first place it’s more revolting to even consider them as attractive.

To rephrase, a girl who wears a hijab is generally off limits in a westerners’ dating pool. They can be attracted but won’t ever act on it for a multitude of reasons. But as in every other interracial relationships between other religions and cultures, one thing remains the same – it’s not for everyone.

* The author apologize beforehand if anything written offended a reader and welcome any comments/discussion/sharing about the topic. *

Maldives cont.

Part IV – Dreams and Realizations

19/2 – 20/2 (Sunday – Monday)

This was supposed to be our last day according to the original tour package. It was the 4th day already! But it’s madness to leave this beautiful island so early. I paid for another 2 nights at the same hotel to match the available flight schedule…and now we have 3 days in total including today. Yay! We decided to went for a full day excursion at the 5 star luxury hotel – Adaaran Prestige in Vadoo Island. There are many resort excursions to choose from. It means that you are paying to use the private beach, facilities such as changing room, toilet, and sometimes the pool. Not all 5 star hotels provide this package though. It’s so cool because I know I won’t be able to afford that in the near future lol the boat waited for us at the jetty and it took us 20mins or so to reach Vadoo Island. The reception is so awesome with the staff ready to greet you at the entrance. There’s a small garden at the front before you can see the main building where the restaurant is at. The actual guests of the hotel watching us like these people ain’t gonna get in here for free lool it’s funny but I don’t think anyone cared since the place is amazing and everyone can’t wait to look around the compound like we can afford it 😅

You will get a sturdy wristband so that the staff can differentiate you from the actual guests and easy to group up when it’s time to leave. Drinking that fresh orange juice in a tall glass beside the private beach, you’re sure revved up for a luxury escapade in Maldives 😍
They briefed us the do’s and don’ts and we are free to explore and stay until sunset! I forgot to mention all this is for 100USD. So far the most I’ve paid in one single day so I’m gonna make sure it’s worth it. But the wait until lunchtime is sooo long….the original plan was to get in the waters after lunch (we kinda avoided sun unlike everyone else hahaha) because we haven’t really ate and felt hungry to actually play at the beach. It was really inviting though, the wildlife that you can spot just by looking at the beach. You don’t even have to look for them. There are an abundace of ‘friendly’ marine life such as baby sharks, stingrays, and eels.

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It was amazing needless to say. And the over-water villas are situated next to the snorkelling area. You basically can jump right into it from your backdoor. I don’t have photos here as I left my camera’s battery back in our hotel -__-
The lunch area is separate from the guests but is very good with nice choices and tastes great. The ice cream served at the end, heck, I wish I wasn’t as full as I was. We met a staff who can speak our language and told us he has worked in our country for years that’s how he picked it up. He spoke really good northern accent by the way 😂 It made me realise that there were a lot of them back home and not just the usual Bangladeshi (since they look a bit similar). I feel a lil shocked for the fact that we Malaysians just barely reaching Maldives in like these past 3 years but they have been coming to us since more than 10 years ago. Lol. Air Asia’s tagline ‘Now Everybody can Fly’ is indeed true. I won’t even dreamed of stepping foot at the Maldives. Not in a million years! I feel privileged and thankful that I’m actually here.

We got back from Adaaran Prestige with a bunch of fun photos and videos in the clear waters. Even if it rains that evening, we continued playing around and wished our backyard remotely looked like this. The day ended with a shark feeding demo although it’s more like Tuna feeding because there weren’t that many sharks at the time. While the Tunas and Jackfish took the center stage while we hoomans were watching in awe from the small bridge above. We were even visited by a large pelican (I think it’s called??) that appeared ever so gracefully, near the people who wanted a picture of it. It was another amazing moment seeing all these wildlife around the resort. In the sunset light it served as the perfect backdrop. Dream honeymoon resort for sure 😉

The next day was really, really lazy. Waking up for breakfast seemed too much of a hassle. You know, one of those days when you’ve started to get accustomed to the vacation life. You don’t really wanna go anywhere exploring new things (Maafushi is just 1km+ long anyway) and take things super slowly. But tomorrow is our last day and we still haven’t finished exploring the whole island. So we decided to find Maafushi Prison and treating it as some kind of an investigation lol it was actually less than 4 mins walk towards the end of the island. It was freaky to drive past it last night when we rode a motorcycle with our guide.

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I have never lived this near to any kind of prison in my life, like a lot of people. This particular prison is very interesting indeed – it houses the former president of Maldives M Nasheed. He was kinda ousted by his own cabinet that he finally had to declare hiw own resignation. His past lawyers included Amal Clooney. And the whole thing about his term and how he lose it is tells you a lot about this little country of atolls. Hint: it isn’t the first time things like this happen. Again I’m gonna repeat their political climate is an interesting thing to know especially once you were here and you get to talk to the locals. Their issues are pressing and very much stirred up. I think I downplayed everything because I have that assumption of paradise and escapism about Maldives (like everyone else on this planet! It’s well known as the ultimate honeymoon destination for all we know) I changed my mind. Climate change, economy, corruption in government, separation to form an independent nations, I don’t even know. Before I googled I wasn’t ready for all these information lol But I like researching and reading a general outlook of countries that I am going to. The thing that you can easily observe about this island country is how booming and crowded Male is. I wouldn’t say I was repulsed by it (like some of travel bloggers I’ve read simply hated it) I was maybe taken aback. It’s not like Singapore, an island nation that’s situated close to the mainland. This is Maldives, in the middle of the Indian Ocean! It’s quite a sight to take in.

The Maldives just recently refurbished their tourism to allow locals to operate their own guesthouses (that’s why there are so many sprang up) and it literally opened the door to a whole lot of travel opportunities to the average and below budget travellers. For the past decades or so it was just luxury hotels. Can you imagine the world cathing up on budget friendly Maldives in the future?? The island will be overloaded I think! There were even more artifical islands being made…it’s overwhelming when you think of it. Wait until you walk by foot in Male city the capital of Maldives, which I did on my last day.

Maldives – cont.

Part II – I was blown away.

17/2 (Friday)

Morning seeped in through the curtains that I held with my hands. The sea looks calm today, lapping in the sun high up. I guess I missed watching the sunrise…and I forgot that Maldives timezone is 3 hours early. So it was actually 10am already. Another day not at work yay!! My friends were still asleep to my surprise. After we all washed up for breakfast, we were greeted by the hotel staff at the dining area cum reception (it was small) They had some tables out on the sand where we sat last night trying to finish our fried rice. We had Roshi, a popular Maldivian breakfast in which they teamed up unleavened bread with a type of dry chutney, a common Indian condiments in my country, but here they served it dry. Coconut flakes, raw shallots thinly cut, and cooked Tuna. At first I was a lil disappointed as it’s looks too healthy LOL nothing runny (read: oily) or spicy. I quickly changed my mind tho. I find it packed with fresh flavors, it felt very Maldivian. You’d totally eat that by the beach and it’ll feel so right if you get me =D In no time I kept coming back for more of Roshi until I was full. My friends, as always, astounded by the amount of Roshi that I ate. As if they haven’t seen something like that happened lool At the end of our breakfast I was like yeah I’m gonna make it when I’m back!

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‘Roshi’ – my first step to eat healthier food

Our guide helped took few pictures of us before we hopped on the boat with an open deck. The ride took around 30mins as the boat treaded the strong waves (yes it was still windy as hell) and once it loses power. The boat swayed around for a while until they managed to repair it. I think the other tourists weren’t worried at all…we on the other hand still traumatised by last night’s trip…anyway the sea was unlike any other I’ve seen. The small atolls are numerous, you could see layers upon layers of brilliant shades of blue.

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It was too amazing not to take lots of pictures to bring home. Sometimes I wish I could have a private boat just to steer the driver to bring me to interesting photo locations and get really close to where I wanted to be. Then I was startled by the boat halting in the middle of the ocean. Is this….is this the snorkelling point?

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Gulp! Seeing the rough waves and the color of the waters you can guess its depth? Well when I was in Perhentian they did had snorkelling point far from the beach and it was really dark and deep but you could still swim to the beach. Here the reef is located somewhere in the open sea with shallow areas surfacing near it. You can’t walk on it tho 😂 it’s not a sandbank. So we watched the westerners jumped into the water one by one, amazed. Of course these people are almost always good swimmers. Idk it’s very uncommon to see western tourists who didn’t just get off the boat the first chance they got lol the guide told us to get into the water one at a time. It’s too obvious that we couldn’t be set to swim free unlike the others (we are losers) but heck I don’t want to risk being carried too far from the boat! We only get like half an hour going off around 10 feet away from the boat (the farthest that I got haha) felt disappointed but more like laughing to myself!! Need more water confidence practice in the pool I guess. So amazed by one Italian family on our boat that freely jumped in with their young kids unstrapped with any safety equipments. What the hell man? Later when we got to the sparkling turqoise waters where the dolphins were at, they again jumped while their kids reluctant to join, but they ended up jumped too. The guide gave in to them because actually they didn’t permit anyone to swim because of the rough sea. Everyone watched them following the dolphins with awe. I mean no one, on both boats laden with tourists were in the water. They were legit the craziest I’ve ever saw in any of my island trips. Must be awesome tho.

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Crazy how pretty the color of the sea and the dolphins were sooo cute

The third place that we went to was the best one. Sandbank in the middle of the ocean. It literally a piece of white sand stretched and formed a little bay where it’s shallow and makes for one sparkling bright blue since the sand is glistening beneath it. It was quite a view. I began to regret badly the fact that I didn’t bring sunnies and any head cover. Fuck the sun is glaring hot and there was just sand – you don’t have any shady areas. To get off the boat you will need to be fast because it rocked in the strong waves and faltering towards the deeper sea. You will have to walk with your valuable belongings kept dry. It was funny for one of my friend nearly missed her Iphone into the waves and had to be helped by the guides. It was another loser moment being ‘escorted’ to the beach in mere distance. We were lucky because there were not much tourists around, and spent around 3 hours(?) taking photos, swimming, and having lunch. The sandbank two sides facing away are interesting, one was rough and the other was so calm you can go far by foot.

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I didn’t edit anything. It’s that beautiful!

Being baked for 3 hours was enough Vitamin D for me as I was burnt already. Treading the waves back to our boat, we started the long return journey. I dreaded being in a boat too long but in Ko Samui it was insanely longer I tell you 😂 It was around 5pm when we reached Maafushi. I was in constant planning of what to fill up our days and nights in Maldives (I was the leader of our trip). That night we ate spicy fish curry (soo tasty) and talked about our loser moments and making stupid jokes, literally busting the calm nature of the island. I feel embarrassed by how quiet the Maldivian people were, 5 of them could have the table next to you and you won’t hear a fucking thing. And in Maldives the Muslim majority people would have their shops closed every prayer times. No bars, no beach party, no nothing. At night it’s practically dead. People spent quality time talking through candlelight dinner by the beach or walking hand in hand through the paved sand. You can’t really do anything other than these. We were like what the hell a group of single girls doing in Maldives?? Even the music played at restaurants and food places at night were soft. It really brought a slow and romantic air throughout the barely 1 km length island. A little discussion on Maldives and its people followed with our guide…if you’ve ever googled something on Maldives other than its beaches, you’ll find lots of interesting facts. Hint: politics. It’s quite turbulent for such a far fetched islands. Read for yourself! Second day done!

Maldives in February

Part I – I was in Maldives.

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I was able to take a 6 day holidays since I haven’t been given any freaking holiday for the past 3 months
So thanks to my boss finally giving some thought to me who were in desperate need ( i literally was sick every week with fevers, cold and flu
that’s began to worsen with sore throat that very day. I was soo sleepless and dragging myself to work with this sick state that I hate )
I think it was the worse point I’ve ever had in 3 years of working in this shitty place.
So I finished packing my stuff that morning. Idk I havent been into it for all these months, I was just excited buying new clothes lol (as early as 3 months before lool)
My flight to KL will be at around 10am. I’ll be flying with my friend whom I havent meet for 2 years(?) and her friend whom I don’t know
I get to know her friend more later when we were waiting for the next flight to Maldives…talking for 4 hours…coffee…eat…talking again
It was such a detour from a normal day at work. I was frequently reminded of that thought. That comparison…oh my
It easily saved me from the entire 3 months of being stressed out.
So when all 5 of us has arrived I felt ready and I’m like yeah Im really going to Maldives cause to be honest my mind haven’t got into it
I need to hop on that plane fast lol
The flight took 4 hours and a half, and landed at Hulhumale Island (it’s an artificial island built to house the international airport alone)
At 9pm local time. You couldn’t even outlined the island onto where you landed. It was new for me as I’ve never landed on such a small island before in my life

Stepping out the plane only I felt the holiday vibes
I am really in Maldives!! I couldn’t wait for the morning to come and to see the turqoise waters around me as I’ve googled over the internet
All the ‘Summer Mixtapes’ on YouTube is playing in my mind
After taking some group selfies with the ‘Welcome to Maldives’ sign in the airport (it’s a Malaysian thing to do lol)
We quickly wait for our turn to get through the immigration and approaching the main exit towards the lobby where local people lined up holding signs for their respective guests
I spotted my name at the end of the line. Our guy led us out to the jetty in the night. The wind was blowing like crazy and we’re still chit chatting while making our way to the a small boat
We were still commenting on how sparkling the sea looked under the streetlights. The guys in the boat loaded the boat with our bags and offered his hand to me.
Ok so it’s time for the boat ride already?? Lol unbeknowsnt to us it was the most horrifying boat ride ever. I thought that one particular crazy excursion I did in Pulau Perhentian was the worse. but this topped it off!
My friend couldn’t help herself from vomiting and the rest of us holding our churning stomachs, sitting still on the seat in silence. I just looked to the waves shoving the boat around and trying to calculate my chance of survival. If I ever make it to our destination, Maafushi Island. Cold sweat running through all over me when finally we arrived in those horrifying 45 minutes on the rough sea. The local guys said they’ve been through worse when it rains/storming, I just nodded while in my head I couldn’t imagine living the island life. No matter how many boat rides you’ve taken you’d still at awe how these people who make a living out of sea travel and marine economy. Damn I have it better with my job lol. They all greeted us and we were like uh yeah we’ve arrived yeay *still regaining balance* with our heads swayed in the wind the hotel served us fried rice with fried egg on top.

We all looked in disbelief, the glass candle box illuminated our 5 revolted faces lol. I feel so rude but man after that boat ride I wasn’t ready for any type of food. After a while I did ate everything as I’m again holding my title as always finishing any dish ever served to me 😅 I slept that night in a really cold aircond room, flat.

Getting through this

Hello February.

Life sucks (because of work) and things that got left behind because I simply don’t have the time to look into each and every thing in my life. In that pretext however I’ve gotten lots of inspirations. Reading about Julia Michaels who’ve so young yet achieved a lot, answered my question of how do people do songwriting. I know this is probably stupid for people who KNEW it and have people in their lives who does it for their living, but I don’t have that privilege and I don’t think I’d bust out of my bubble and find actual people that do because I’m just being too personal about it. I’d rather talk about in like this, anonymously on the internet. I’ve read a post somewhere about a girl whose afraid of really trying and went out there with her voice and emotions because to her music is really personal. I’m like I got you girllll like yes I understand how it feels like. It’s a plague. I thought I’ll get through it when I’m an adult but nope. It becomes more personal than ever. I found that the article of her interviews was amazing. I never knew that artists actually throw in thoughts on a paper and jumble it into a song. But heyyy that’s songwriting right?? I thought that’s a crappy way which noobs like me do it (or trying to) it turns out that’s how it’s done. Of course you need musical knowledge to put melody to it and a good English vocabulary (lol) and the flair to balance the depth of touch to our emotions with making it listenable. Because we do want to share it. It’s something I argue with myself every freaking day – to make it for everyone else or for myself? If I’m doing it entirely for myself (as I do now) I won’t put my best because I know I can fail myself. That’s a norm in my life and it’s why I don’t succeed in every fucking thing that’s meaningful to me. I could as well do a hell lot of job and toiling for it but never for something I’m passionate about. I don’t wanna screw up even once. How is that even possible right?

Anyway I’ve also gotten a few (that’s actually a lot) of drawings done that I put of on Instagram just to see if it’s decent enough. Since then I’ve thought better of myself..and how fast I progressed when I really do it. I know what I can do and what I wanna do, I just don’t know how to come out as a person who does art. Heck it felt like a gay person coming out. lol. It’s really hard. There’s no one around me that does the same things and is passionate about it, and no one able to size up how my life fired with good story writing in video games, and come up with the best lines I could with music and movies that has affected me. People and places I’ve been. I couldn’t keep up with everything and everyone just breathing it I need to immortalise it into an art form which I’m trying to do seriously. Frankly it’s the only thing that makes my life go around…and fuelling everything else. Speaking of places I’m going to a dream destination next 2 days and I can’t believe it. It’s crazy. I haven’t gotten out of work for 3 months! I will write about it as soon as possible and not let it pass the heat of excitement like my last trip to Thailand last November.

The new year?

It’s shameful the amount of time this blog wasn’t updated but here I am. For 2017’s sake. I haven’t got so much to write anyway. I have loved you 2016. It wasn’t amazing but it was important. I’m still deciding what to do with my life but I think it’s the nearest that I’ve ever been all my adult life. And I have to say there is a certain someone that lit me on fire, the reason behind this move. Even if he’ll most likely never knew it I will never forget him for what he meant to me. I find it harder to work on my artforms and still living like the normal me that everyone knew. It’s like two different worlds. I’m looking for anyone that has been there done it…so that I can learn from their ways. On how to live like a concept.

November

I wish I am all these different persons and be able to finally make peace with all different versions of me
and I’d like to know if I’m really able to fall in love with some mountain tribe guy and live in yurts, taming wild mountain horses doing freelance work
or found it in a past love left unexplored, grounding me to reality whether I like it or not
as much as I’ve said I’m not afraid, I’m still afraid. Of the unknown.
And as much as I admit that I’m afraid, I always underestimate myself.

Ko Samui in September

Idk if I’m ready to write about my latest trip
I’m still gushing about it in my livingroom now
It was sooo full of funny moments and weird awkward stares and new experiences
It wasn’t so much tho
If we have a full 6 days it’ll be soo much better in terms of places and things that we could do
because
even after reading and searching through the internet for the so-called travelogs by people who have went there,
NO ONE mentioned about the long transportation between one point to another.
this fucks every plan you might be having lol
ok so I will tell you how my vacation went

Day 1 (25/9) Sunday
We all had a really hectic weekend to close off before jetting away to Thailand
It is the longest holiday Ive ever asked for from my boss so far (about 3 years working) lol
so I have the best feeling but also very lukewarm since work thoughts always catching up at the back of our minds
And I made a joke when my boss asked me to always turned on whatsapp for updates
I’m like K
And so are all my friends 😂😂

We are all still very much invested in our respective work
Idk but Ive never went on holiday that I completely turned off from work lol

Anyway
First day, nothing, just us tryna reach the island and checked in the hotel so that we could get a shower and rest
You can’t even explain how boring it is the ride from the airport, to the island
air-land-water-land. Took about 3-3.5 hours. From the plane to trying to catch the bus (it was very well organized but still it can be hard due to one thing : bad english)
So a lot of funny miscommunications took place
Then when we get on the bus, a guy chatted with me and as usual I’m far than interested I mean I can’t sleep on the entire flight, sleepy and my eyes looks horrible and I feel less than attractive (that’s fucking why I avoid social interactions while on travels maybe I’d do differently if I’m confident or when the days my skin cooperates with me lol)
I found an excuse to not continue talking (it was just a few questions anyway lool)
still don’t have that on-vacation feeling, like your life is untied from anything that grounded you to wherever you’re currently based on,
it’ll affect how you go through the day.

When we reached the jetty it was already about 3 o clock in the evening, and it’s just hot and tiring but there is the big ferry waiting for us
It’s the first time ive ever board that kind of ferry (like the on in the game Euro Truck hahah)
It’s a big ass ferry. For a long ass journey. so it makes sense…
the outdoor seats isn’t comfortable to sleep but it’s nice with the sea breeze and the slow nature of it all…
Inside it’s loud with the sound of the Thai TV and people talking but it’s cool with aircon
an hour and a half feels like a day spent just sitting on the iron benches lol
we disembarked on Koh Samui’s Donsak jetty. There’s another 2-3 minutes walk through the bridge until you meet the drivers from Phantip Travel
waiting for you
since they can’t speak understandable English they spoke one words and we gotta catch em as they say it
then you just follow which vans that will go to your respective hotels

The van ride…it’s quite long to arrive to our place in Chaweng Beach. It’s further up the hill specifically
All the winding roads and the occasional traffic and the hike……it’ll take you 15-20mins from one beach to another major beach
This trip is meant as a getaway..not the gritty backpacking type (which I love) but I just came out of 6 months without a vacation so yeah I was literally begging for a nice comfy hotel up in the cliffs with smacking views…though I wasnt physically prepared for a vacation. Half of my mind can’t believe yesterday I’m scrambling through work and today I’m in Thailand
like how the fuck did I got here

The resort is really nice, has a 4 star feeling to it and everything is rustic and elegant
just a lil run down in some areas but the viewsssss
immediately can see myself one day living with this as my backyard lol

We ate stuff from my only friend that purchase the 15kg luggage – because she loves extra clothes and she brought us food yay
At around 8 pm we asked the front desk about taxi services and one guy pulled up in a white Nissan SUV (Nissan is massive in Koh Samui)
Taxis in Koh Samui are nice cars. I saw same situation in Surat Thani so idk if it’s a Thailand thing. Ive only been to Thailand twice.
Their police cars are sedans and I even caught one BMW. Damn
We googled for halal restaurants and found like three. Hmmm seems like the travelogs aren’t reliable. Maybe they went around looking on a motorbike? But if the ‘easy to find’ restaurants aren’t up on the internet we wouldn’t be able to find it.
We ate usual warung stuff like Tom Yam and Deep Fried Prawns etc it weren’t great tasting but nice enough
Not cheap…more on the pricey side. But hey it’s Koh Samui. Everything is above average prices here.
I went to the mart for a Fanta drink and find myself at a communication challenge with the cashier guy
My friend trying to ask the sim card price and he couldn’t understand the word ‘Money’
There was the price written on the cards though so check on it before you ask them in English cause it’ll save your time
It was funny trying to understand each other
And in Thailand you WILL get straws when buying drinks…I’ve observed this and it’s pretty funny cause you’ll end up with lots of unused straws when you’re about to throw the plastics away

My friends came from another convenience store cum mobile shop at the other side of the road with a story to tell.
The transactions went on with a sketchy looking guy…and a pistol on top of the table.
I laughed so bad to this because I can’t even imagine buying a freaking sim card from a guy with a pistol but really that was what happened…!
They have a shooting range in Koh Samui after all so maybe it’s legal idk but it’s funny as hell
The guy was nice and tried helping to write in Thai to help them get stuff from the other mart where the staff couldn’t understand English
Aaaanndd that was how the first day finished! Pretty much nothing right? Just that we get lots of ideas for our Thai English jokes and talk about how nice Thai people are