I’m still alive

…just FYI. I think about a lot of my online presence and those around me on platforms that I frequented the most (Twitter & FB) if they’re still here or gone because of the pandemic, the wars, the economic downfall or just general fatigue of getting through this past year. My God I’m still alive and well and frankly never down with any serious illness. I’m a healthcare worker, a frontliner so to speak, needless to say my life is more or less about the pandemic and the efforts to curb it. I can’t escape it.

Very recently though our international borders are open (like for real) to the whole world and I’m thinking of resuming my long lost plans of travel and have a blast on a far away holiday. I’m still very much worry about catching Covid19 overseas as I might need to cash out more than I wanted to for tests and treatments or whatever the destination country demands. But I’m at the right time I suppose to just think about it for a sec, unlike these whole 2 years that I just stopped dreaming of any holidaying or last minute getaways. I’ve been taking my days one at a time and get on the next day anew. Didn’t even flinch on what happened yesterday or last week or whatever. Some weeks were nice with family and friends or I succeeded to be more grateful.

I had to reset the password to this blog. I wanna post about what I’m currently into. Might continue my *last post* later though…lol

For the past 2 weeks I’ve been obsessing with this TV series on Netflix ‘Van Helsing‘. Who would’ve thought that I’d checked out a vampire show?? I don’t usually do but man they do it right in this one. The characters are soo likeable and every relationships grow or wilt naturally. The LGBT themes and cast diversity are on point that it doesn’t feel pushed and fake. It has been the main thing that makes me feel like I’m doing something else other than work. I’m crushing over the male lead (Axel Miller), a certified jerk but is so attractive ugh. Vanessa Van Helsing as lead female is so convincing and so enjoyable to watch like I never saw her in anything before. Turns out she was a True Blood alumni. Says a lot about her acting chops and she was in a few other series as well. I really hope to watch more of her work! It’s crazy that Hollywood always cast the same female leads for tough ass kicking characters when they have actresses like Kelly Overton.

New music that I’m currently tuning into is OTR & Shallou. Shallou is on that travel music genre or something. I don’t know how to explain it but it evokes the free spirit of life on the road but not in a hippie way. I’m talking about a young couple who lives in camper vans you can see on Instagram aesthethics thing. Guess that’s what I meant about the genre.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5I5fA8FvGE&ab_channel=OTR

13/8/15

Didn’t have a better title name in the moment. My mind is so drained in a freakish way that I can’t even explain and feel. Like the capacity has been reduced over time. I feel a strenuous struggle writing now, even these novice lines…just to choose the right words over zillions of words to put the meaning where it should to feel it as an accomplishment after finishing it. On a positive note, I spent after work hours with my boss in a successful dine out. Lol! I could take your normal day out together as a task to achieve. What an annoying perfectionist (or a people pleaser?). But it was genuine. I’m blessed with a really good boss!! The moment you arrive to a place with someone you just knew in less than a year, there are bound to be some prickly moments that me, as a good social navigator (ahaha), won’t let it get in my way. I will reverse all the nanoseconds silence to an interesting topic before it drifts into awkward silence. When that person is very nice it’s such an easy thing to do.

I wasn’t born a natural in social interactions with people I just knew. I remembered when I was in school I did have a lot of friends especially those that everyone knew, but nobody knows me. I’m the best sidekick to the queen bee as I managed to finally accept in later teenage years…hahaha I used to feel bad about it, every teen does. Friends are my priorities. I had numerous bestfriends…haha. Seriously though there are just a few that stays in a special place in my heart. I had all those years that I spent over the phone with my bestfriends, gossiping about other girls, crying over boys, making all sorts of assumptions about the only world that we knew: school. It was a small world but it was so real. In the adult world I missed that kind of obsession that I had with my life and people in it. I think about what to do with other people. where to go etc now I just go anywhere I wanna go as I please, by myself, with absolutely no need of company. Back then I enjoyed being around friends and family more than being alone.

The situation that unfolds whenever you’re with someone new in life you’re subconsciously trying to appear better. In a conversation you’d be aware of the amount of time you spent talking about you and then pass the baton to other person at the table. You don’t want to sound as a self-loathing or the negative complainer. With people you knew for years…you just didn’t care. Didn’t have to care. You can be the annoying cow or that overbearing social butterfly who wanna outshine everyone. Or shout across the room. Sometimes I miss this so much.

Borderless Love

Referring to my fascination with reality TVs from previous posts, today I couldn’t believe I spent about 3 hours plus watching 90-Day Fiance reruns and cried at all of their weddings loool as much as I wanted to say that I’m not a romantic (maybe I was born that way) but I grew up to be a cynic; when I saw weddings where real people whose love for each other exceeds everyone’s expectations, it brought tears to my eyes 😦 I seldom cries in real life though, I find myself cry through other people’s lives, fictions and make believes. Truly a dreamer. So anyway, I only watched Season 2 (yea the one where Danielle and Mohamed were on lol) this show has a few important issues about love and marriage especially under unusual situations; different cultures and races, religions, language barriers, age gap, different backgrounds, unwilling families and friends. One already knows that marriage as itself already involves a lot of emotional capacity, now add to that all the above factors. I honestly couldn’t believe these people made through it! All decided while in the process of knowing each other. I suppose the end result might be different if there were no cameras following them around. A lot of people who has a short history together, like couples who were matched by their families/mutual friends have these people expectations of them that they just had to go on with it. Here goes nothing. Of course they’d live as happy couples, having kids and all….I could see the truth in their marriages. But, as what these types of couples told me, a lot of the process happens after they were married. Working together as husband and wife is the cause of the pleasant marriage after the vows were said.

I have big respect for mixed couples who made it work. The cynic in me is so touched by their love stories, so unlike the norm. It’s only logical and totally fathomable that people say the foreign partner is in it for own benefit but, in normal situations people also marry for a good future; having life companion, financial security, somebody to take care of/taking care of you. Who would marry someone who has nothing to offer? Only in an abusing relationship this happens. He doesn’t even have any decency in character that would inspire you let alone the material things crucial to build a life together. I mean to marry a good man who is hard working than marry a wealthy criminal is naturally a positive choice. Anyway, in the show the foreign partner must vouch for the acceptance from new families in a foreign country who has no idea who you are and your culture is just so hard to imagine. They’re not even had lived in the country; they were as clueless as a tourist! It’s even grittier than Married at First Sight show. I’d want the drama in my love life lol it’s hardly practical but since I’m a dreamer, this sounds appealing to me. The road less taken. I want to be in a love that blows my mind and as I’ve been able to decipher from the past and future of my life, one that inspires me.

21 March

I’ve been getting into a lot of reality TV shows recently LOL

They’re awesome T_T

I just started watching 90 Days Fiance now loool it’s season 2 and only one episode but man I know I like these kinds of juicy gossip show. It’s similar to watching Married at First Sight. It’s a show on social experiment. I can’t distance myself from stuff like this. I also always seemed to like seeing interracial couple in the real world. All across the globe there are unrest stirred around race and religion issues, because people view it as this complex thing while these people see past that and are superior to any random stranger (and even importantly their families and friends) that yeah we’re different and all but we’re willing to take the stand to say we love each other and see how it goes. How people can move continents to be with each other is beyond me lol I’m aware that people do that sometimes but it’s still unimaginable until they put a camera to film them haha gonna enjoy so much of reality TV nowadays hmmmm

Dropping by…

Hi.

GOSH I missed blogging sometimes, like a lot. I missed actually pouring out my thoughts and opinions, a better release than just formulating all these thinking and debate with my own self in my head…lol

I’m still alive and well (if I actually have readers haha) and yes I think I’m still the same person. I often question myself; did I changed? When I was stuck by important decisions (which is everyday) I always ask how much of myself still remains? What are my virtues and are they still there in me.

Insomniac

This blog is getting dusty.

In reference to the title of this post, I just discovered the band M83 earlier last month (I’m so late!)  I’m never disappointed so far. Beautiful music. It makes a connection I’ve had before with ambient but they comes with lyrics sometimes, without choruses. The question I always have when I hear to these types of music how do the creative process works in making this music? I really seriously wanted to know. Since I’m brain freezed since 2006…maybe I need to get myself into a creative thinking/ thinking process workshop or something! As I’ve posted before here I feel like my brain was disconnected from what ever importance it had in my life. I made myself proud though this past few weeks I managed to push through and produce something with my hands.

Writing relieved me in ways nothing in this world can or ever could. The other day I was experiencing one of those points in life that makes your head talks erratically. And I was alone in the hotel room, in the company of M83’s music. I didn’t thought of typing it out in my iPod much less picking up a pen and write it out. I was pretty tired of the event I was there for and all I want is to catch some sleep. M83 – Wait (Kygo remix) was on replay thousandth times, looking up the desolate ceiling, smiling for the people that made the trip to this event worthwhile. The saxophone part is too beautiful to drown into, but I’m still not sleeping. My head just won’t shut up. When I was done with the event, the realization to get back to normal life starting to sink. Maybe I had met with an accident, a Godsend, because it makes me feel present, and pretty. I knew at the back of my head I began to feel sad. I need to take it out. That evening I still couldn’t rest my head. That’s when I picked up a pen and squeezed my talking head into its body and it leaked out onto a paper. I finished 2 pages in minutes, writing in the dark of dusk. That night I was able to slept earlier than half of the nights I’ve had these previous months.

For some, writing is a method of conveying information and thoughts, to make it available so that you can see and read it. For some of us, writing is the way to keep sane.

Day of Mourning, 22 Aug 2014

Pic credit : x

Stay With Me – Sam Smith

Won’t you stay with me
This ain’t love it’s clear to see
But won’t you stay with me?
Stay with me

Still here

I’m young,

I have the right to feel afraid and fearful

over a million things in my head, and beyond

Isn’t it or is it not?

The Daylights – You Are

Still in love with this song…but still can’t freaking find the lyrics anywhere!
I cant make out the two verses =[ this isn’t correct all the way though

You are my first hello and my last goodbye
You gave my favorite looks from my favorite eyes
You are the light that comes from days of hiding
You are the heavens falling on the earth tonight
You make my heart feel this and my head feel that
And I don’t mean to be sentimental but,
You’re the only thing that means anything
You are

Like ….,
never sinking, defies everything
Like the world is hopeless
you are the savior
my every ….. tonight

You are the innocence in a maddening fight
You are my ……. waiting at the hotel light
Thank God I got one thing right
You are
You are

haha lol