The Maus (2017)



*spoilers alert*

I recently started to watch Netflix (Ikr I’m like gazillion years late from everyone on planet Earth) my satellite TV isn’t working great these days and I hate having to pay a lot of money to a bad service. So, with Netflix on my PC and mobile phone, I began to flick and save a ton of movies into my list.

What took me in for The Maus is the synopsis that mentioned the Bosnian war. I can’t tell you how affected I was by this early 90s war, because I was born a year before and I remember watching it all over the news, the grisly bloody photos of people laying dead on the street, which later I knew were apparently being shot randomly by the Serbs. I had nightmares of a war where I live and losing my parents in the war…I mean I literally got so entrenched in it. I used to watch a lot of documentaries and look for movies or a remake of anything on the subject. So it’s only natural for me to check this out!

Firstly, I knew no one of the 4 actors in this movie. But heck the main actress Alma Terzic is AMAZING, and after some digging I realized I’ve watched her in In The Land of Blood and Honey. I never saw August Wittgenstein before but damn he’s hot. Although I can’t. stand. his character in this movie. I find myself agreeing with the 2 villains…’FUCK THIS GUY’ he was oblivious to his shortcomings in a situation he never had to deal with before in his life, and downplaying the trauma and emotional abuse a surviving war victim could’ve endured. From the start he was shown as having good intentions, and the audience get that, but the way he projected himself on Selma (Alma Terzic) is annoying and downright emotionally abusive to me. How could Selma took him as her boyfriend???! I mean seriously I won’t even if he’s hot, tall and have a good-guy persona. Lol the movie is really slow moving but you get this enveloping feeling of claustrophobia from the vast unforgiving forest. It’s amazing how the camera work fuck with your mind that you’re dreading every minute. You know that they’re confined in this unknown place that gradually untie the knots in Selma’s harrowing illusions of what’s in the past, in the current and something otherworldly.

The Maus really picked its pace when the first landmine scene happened. Contrasting with the seemingly beautiful day with the sun shining through the trees, the forest was a witness of arguably the worst war crimes of modern Europe. And you realize the amulet that Selma possess, is harboring a kind of mystic protective power to her. All the while Alex (August Wittgenstein) is behaving like a total asshole, with good intentions and sky high moral ground 🙄 What unfolds was shocking and hellishly confusing. But not in a dizzying way. You’re invited to decide for yourself what the fuck actually happened. It’s like a multiple ending fucking movie but it somehow doesn’t feel like it (idk how to word this lmao). The scene nearing the final grand nudge to everything you thought you understand about the story is imperative to make your own mind about the ending, where the two main actors found themselves in a tight spot…morality or revenge?

I found a great comprehensive review that offered 4 possible explanations. I have to say I agree the most with none of it but a reader’s comment (unfortunately it was anonymous) :


It makes the most sense to me. How confident Alex seemed to think of himself and his actions and the fact that Selma had to suffer in the hands of the same Serbs that could’ve been the men that killed her family. They were out there to get her ‘kind’ and the ‘protector’ didn’t take it seriously and failed to stop the senseless killings. This is followed through by the ending where it’ll just completely unsettled your thoughts. There are no closure, only the aftermath of violence begets violence.


A multiple ending movie that questioned your moral sense. A well made thriller/horror cinematic that force you to watch in pitch black darkness and guided by sounds that tells you where to look even if you dread what you’d see. If you’re remotely interested in the Bosnian war you should totally watch this. If you aren’t you could give it a pass. If you’re a thriller/horror movie lover? What are you even doing reading a bad review before watching it?? CHECK IT OUT YOURSELVES!! 😎👍👍👍



Again, Im shocked by my own inability to write anything. It’s diminishing with time and just feels so overwhelming to squeeze something out these days. I’m in a truer sense comforted by stuff and things, and not so much thoughts anymore. I guess I’m just tired or bored or whatever I felt I can’t get a grasp on it. The result of a lifetime of bad habits and constant failures. I need to feel I achieved something on a daily basis and the way I live now (and for about 10 years now) is in no way accommodating to that. Nothing is burning anymore. But when it does come I feel the worst kind of inadequacy to do it, like I will never have the time to live another day. It can be draining. And the way I cling to stability in my life (eg : work) is insane sometimes. When I realize how badly I needed to stay on this same track to feel like my life is onto something and provides me the comfort of knowing that I touched other people’s lives in my line of work, is sad. People should be wholesome with or without their jobs am I right? Or such perfect life only ever happens outside my existential world? Is it wrong to want perfection in things that are virtually impossible? I understand the danger of imposing far too perfect visions of life in reality but I seemed to always do this to myself. One thing I told myself is that I am not defined by my work. But then again, who am I without what I do for a living and my supposed position in society? Just a nostalgic adult who doesn’t wanna change and progress. I have really old and (far fetched) aims I wanted to achieve and until those are done, I can never let go.

IT (2017)

Hello blog!! I’ve missed you! Today I’m on a roll every few months lol I’m gonna post about the movie that buzzed the entertainment world IT. I bet everyone knows it was based from the same-named Stephen King’s novel and is also a remake of IT as a TV series 27 years ago. I haven’t watched it nor read the book.




IT takes you in an endless roller coaster ride into a horror house that relentlessly punish you for being scared. And when it ended you marvelled at how you stayed gripped on your seats for 2 hours. Yes, the runtime is 2 hrs 15 mins! IT isn’t a ghost, isn’t a maniacal human cannibalising children, but an entity, an evilest force that glorifies your worst fears. IT manifests in any form, anytime of the day, at absolutely anywhere. Stephen King is already a legend in horror writing but really, the idea that make us scared of those little unassuming drainage holes, is genius. You’d think at worst a lonely homeless guy would show up but nah, there’s a full grown adult circus Clown named Pennywise offering balloons to children greeting them to get inside. Fucking hell!

IT can’t coexist with us humans but in Derry, a weird ass town where people kept on missing without a trace but the townfolks still held carnivals like nobody’s business, IT’s hideout is all over its sewerage underneath. Bill is a high schooler who mere existence consisted of the disappearance of Georgie, his little brother and his band of outcast friends. Together they faced the day to day harassment by the ‘cooler’ kids and getting through hormonal teenage years, talking about girls. And dicks. It was summertime and the sunny days are to be rejoiced. With the addition of new members into their ‘Losers’ club, the two boys Bill and Ben attention are fixated to the only girl in their group, Beverly. She’s a pretty girl from a troubled family and finds solace in the boys’ company. Bill decided to spend their summer by searching for Georgie in the sewers. While life are progressing and adolescent love is happening, we get to know more about each character, IT terrorized them one by one in otherworldly encounters. Their friends agreed to join Bill rather reluctantly and their friendship were put to a great test. Beverly took a life changing decision to escape her father’s torment but become IT’s victim. The friends lose their balance and they fight through to rescue Beverly and Georgie until the true IT deathly circus was discovered and they found out Georgie’s fate. That was the storyline in short. The degenerate bullies seemed insignificant to me as far as the story goes. It’s like they can ditch them in the first half and it’ll leave no loopholes.

Many life events happened along the way and this is when it gets a little derailed from the tension. The whole 2 hours gives you a sense of depth to the characters and their relationships. You cared for them and wished you can join them in stopping IT’s threat forever. But for people wanting to watch a movie with a horrifying clown as the antagonist, would be disappointed to watch more of a coming of age movie than a horror classic. I think the director tried too hard at making it a nostalgic replay of the 90s for the 27 years later audiences (if they really hold this promise of making it every 27 years in real time). It felt a little all over the place with the plot cutting in and out of scary scenes to a classic New Kids on the Block’s track. I mean if you wanna see how directors make this kind of shift successfully you can watch Marie Antoinette or any Sofia Coppola’s movies. Heck it’s so cool when it’s done right. Idk. I’m not a film major in any way but I feared that the fluid intersections of two different poles in IT is the reason it can’t be enjoyed to the fullest as a horror movie. As a coming of age? Defo YES. IT has that 90s vibe to it in the way its horror was delivered but it needn’t be for it to work. As a homage to the 1990 version maybe? However the director did Mama (2013) and I liked that movie. It’s interesting to wait for his next movies for sure. The unstoppable repeated nightmares you get from 90s horror movies when you were a kid isn’t a factor that exist in this movie. But it’ll make you terrified at the same time laugh at their witty conversations and revelled at how beautiful growing up was.

The teens cast are acting their real age. It’s amazing that they don’t have as many experiences before IT (except Finn Woflhard who already has Stranger Things to his resume). There are so many promising young actors these days, provided that they continued to act. A few were doomed into the normal life and it’s a loss to the entertainment world. Remember The Little Princess? Liesel Matthews who played the lead didn’t continue acting. Some fight through their careers with the now full world of young, talented and good looking actors. Like Matthew Beard who appears a few times in the limelight and then disappears, only focusing in theatres. I’m keeping my eyes out for them because I LOVE following child actors and watching their careers bloom.

Luckily for us Bill Skarsgard is a 27 year old award winning actor with the family name and looks to match that it’s OK to completely drown in his beautiful strong jaw, brooding eyebrows and 6 foot utter fabulousness *wink*wink*

I mean honey you can’t say no to this 

IT is a sensation today because of the acting and successful reimagining of the scariest form of an urban legend thinkable. Worst than your boogeyman and campfire stories ever. Movie goers shouldn’t miss this one though I’d say differently for full blown horror fan. This adult clown will look for you in your dreams and while you’re awake as well. IT is still down there, dormant in the sewers and will come back 27 years later. Watch out!

My rating : 3.5/5

Highly unsuitable for child audiences. Unless you wanna give them nightmares lol

Best scene : The friends having a splash in the quarry.

Best jumpscare : When Beverly gets abducted.


So I re listened to old songs i have in my library


I see you across a crowded room
And I’m paralyzed
I’m paralyzed
Cause you’re perfect

When you leave tonight
Your lovely smile
and the way you shine
It won’t be mine

If all I get is just a day
I have to say
In every way
You’re perfect

I wonder
If I’ll ever get to talk to you
I wonder
If you’ll notice that you’ve changed my life

If all I get is just a day
I have to say
In every way
You’re perfect

Michelle Featherstone – Perfect

this song………….damn.
ah fuck. I have a pretty quote i want to write here but it just left me seconds ago.
Goodnight Impossible Love.

One week done

I screwed my first week of Ramadhan by being completely unfocused on what I wanna achieve. Not that it’s surprising…anyway I’m in that dilemma again of pitting one dream against another. I have too many of them and each is important to me in some way. The hardest thing for me is to actually be one thing. Because I can’t for the life of me settle with one. I need to be everything. Needless to say these thoughts kept me at night,about which way is forward in this one life. The very reason I’m an irreparable insomniac, is that I kept on dwelling on everything. Thoughts came to me and demanded my attention. How do people do this thing called ‘decide’?

It’s time for Ramadhan

1st day done. I have too many resolutions that I’ve made this year and keen on doing. As usual I’m always with that question in my head; will I ever have the time to do everything that I want in this life? If anyone has find a way to bust time out of its tracks please tell me how. But I doubt we’ll ever defeat our nemesis in our mortal lives that is Time. Ramadhan this year came earlier (every year it gets 11 days earlier) and I’m still tryna get in the mood for it. So I have a very lukewarm fasting today, from the sahur food to the activities be it religious or normal day to day life, until the breaking fast. Heck I need a lot to adjust to Ramadhan this year. I’m currently looking for a productivity app/software for either phone or pc to help me prioritize this month for what it’s worth. And to generally improve on every loose ends which I have, a LOT. Until tomorrow world. To the next day of Ramadhan we go 😁 

A person dear to me

Lola’s Story – The Atlantic

As I was reading this article I find myself revelling in my own sadness of losing my grandmother last year. It’d be one full year next month since her sudden passing.

The author wrote about Lola, a woman who has been at a servitude to three generations of his family through her life since 18 years old, without pay nor freedom. A life of a slave. To this I can’t relate to, with the life of my grandmother. But the fact that she took care of all of us at various points in our lives and also our cousins and extended family. To her everyone in the family is as important as the other one who came before them.

Reading the author description of the things Lola did for him when he was a kid. When I was young at about 9 I was having a really bad eczema throughout my body (it actually just stopped when I was about 21) It sucks but I lived with it. Whenever my mom would have her staying with us she’d taken to her responsibility to calm me and put on a traditional sea cucumber oil to affected areas and massage them. She’d read some prayers while patting me until I fell asleep. I used to dislike that for a while and I remembered feeling like wanting to push her away. I’d say I practically grew up avoiding physical contacts like too much hugging, kissing cheeks etc that in the contrary, my best friend had both her parents expressing love in front of everyone in the school bus every morning. And I used to feel gosh didn’t she felt uncomfortable showing that in front of our friends? I don’t think it’d be something that I’d do. Only when I’m an adult I felt like I’ve missed all the opportunities.

Among all of my 8 siblings, I was the only one that had to be sent the longest time to the kampung (village) to be taken care of by my grandmother and grandfather. All of us had spent some of our lives here some months together but I was the one that had to be left alone for a longer time. I even went for the kindergarten across the street of my grandma’s house. It was just me, them and the endless yard that spans towards a large Mango orchard behind the compound. Me and my cousins who would come by every month or so would play outside until dusk and grandma would yell at us to come inside fearing of ghosts that specifically kidnaps little kids who doesn’t listen to their grownups. Well at least that was what she said and I abode! At night she would always say her prayers to keep us asleep despite waking up frequently to some creaking noises in the old house. She’d be there in the kitchen first in the dark of morning to prepare breakfast and starting her chores all over again. Her cuisines, had been ours and extended family traditions. She created a sense of belonging and togetherness while we’re in the kitchen, where we’d shared the most time and be reminiscing about years later when we are adults. Her selflessness was something I have never seen in anyone else except my mom. This serves well in retrospect, of all the years observing her life, giving more than she received without asking for any returns. My mom, however, gave her allowances which she would take some and give back to us her children by slipping it into our palms each time we came by.

Then life happened. When you had to chase the good life everyone is going for, you know, have a good degree, take a good stable job, earn your money and proceeded to the next new experiences. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for not going to see her more often, just 2 hours drive away from where I live. 2 hours seemed too long, too tedious for me. After work, I’ll be definitely arrive at night and I always find that as an excuse to not go for that week. And then the next. Then the other. As always I can picture her happiness when I called to inform that I’ll be coming by and how she’d cook my favorite dishes in abundance, later packing some for me to bring back. Right now I don’t know if I’ve ever shown her enough appreciation of who she was to me. I’ve written before that I’ve avoided some of her calls simply because I just don’t feel like talking. I don’t really take any phone calls anyway but to let my phone ring and the repeated beeps on her side of the phone, waiting just to ask about my day, was so thoughtless. That was the question I kept on asking myself since the moment my cousin called to told me in tears that she was gone. I didn’t know to cry or to slam the fucking phone. All I think was, did she knew that I loved her? That I appreciated her and I was sorry for not spending more time with her? I think she knew but I doubt it. She wouldn’t be upset or anything but walking back to years ago when I wasn’t independent and had my own car and a place to live, I was mad at myself for underappreciating her. There was so much more that I could’ve done better.

Ramadhan will arrive next week and at the end of the month, the Eid celebration. We’ve had the last one without her. It wasn’t nearly sad as I imagined. In the Eid morning we cook and prepare the traditional Eid food like usual and my mom knew all the recipes at the back of her hand. It wasn’t something that we couldn’t do without her. I didn’t really told myself that she was gone forever. I still think that she is just, there, even if I can’t see her anymore. It’s her house, her bed, her kitchen. It was like she just left for a while. I couldn’t hug nor does the routine asking for forgiveness and take a picture together in the Eid morning. It didn’t struck me as hard. After all I’m used to only coming to see her sometimes 4-5 months apart. Sometimes the ignorance is numbing. It’s an ability to actually shelf out everything to the back of your mind where you’ll not easily found it again. I find myself reaching to it when I think of her, to feel the sadness and longing of not having her here.

This reduced sensitivity that I have is alarming. But I become to understand it the more I live. It brought me to my second thought after reading this amazing article; I should embalm her memories and what she meant to me in a form that I can see and touch. So that I could come back to it. Keeping physical memorias is something I just decided on…something I never done. I’ve never kept a family member’s picture around me, even when I missed them badly when I was in boarding school and first year of work. Some of my most depressed years. A loved one, to me is best kept in my mind. The conversations I’ve had, the life event involving them, the scenes where we parted ways or meet. I have all these things playing out in my head when I’m missing someone. But I am blessed to not losing any one more of my immediate family and friends, and I still have the time to physically be with them and to show that I do love and appreciate them. For my grandma, that time has long passed. I need to honor her memories for all the years she had lived so full of selfless love and her passing that has caused so much loss that couldn’t be replaced in mine and the lives of everyone else who knew her.

Old playlist

So I went for a nice dinner with nice old friends and back home I logged to my computer surfing for nothing. I don’t wanna do my drawings and I’m too tired for gaming. I decided to plug my 10 years old portable hard drive that I still kept in a dusty miscellaneous box. And wow the things inside were the stuff that I loved but moved on from. Listening to the music that I was obsessed with 10 years ago is an eargasmic session. The way it opens up to you like it was the first time you heard it. To relive the first time things came into your mind is wonderful.

Little write up on Interracial/Interfaith relationship

This is quite a jump from my usual posts ( I don’t even post so much anyway lool) but it has been something I wanted to read and research on, and had done it quite extensively this recent week.

What exactly is the situation in this modern world?
Of course it’d be my dream to be able to talk and ask an actual person from a different race/culture/country about this and what they really think but since I don’t have a social life both real life and online, I can only scour the net as my endless resource lol
I’m using interracial and interfaith interchangeably (lool too much ‘inter’ words) because a person can be Muslim and not be classically identify as Muslims (eg Arabs. There are actually a lot of Arabs that are of other religions). Also a person may not wear hijab but is a Muslim. People would say that Islam isn’t a race (it isn’t but it’s too often to find people over the net judging a certain race to have it as their religion) and would exclude people of a rather different race (eg white Muslims who wear hijab) from the subject. So yeah if I use interracial only it wouldn’t be accurate to what I’m trying to write.

I recounted the stares I get when we were on that vacation in Samui where foreigners (westerners) kept on looking like they haven’t seen one and it’s uncomfortable. It was weird. I mean it’s not like there are no Muslims who frequented Thailand. It borders with a Muslim country and even have regions that has many Muslims.
It’s the first time that I was ever been in that kind of attention. I have never been to a western country to compare though. The farthest I’ve been overseas is Korea, where people look too, but is understandable since their country is homogeneous.
Unlike in the west. Lots of cultures in one place (at least in the city) and chances are they have seen one before.

So I am quite recently very interested in the subject of interracial relationship mainly because I’m one of those that has an open mind on interracial relationship (and finds them really inspiring), has a mild preference to date someone outside of my race if given the chance (not out of spite though) I would’ve explain better partially why (because I don’t think that I’ve figured it out 100%) in later post maybe but,
I would probably do it but to think of the many many barriers that exist in the realms of making and sustaining a relationship.

Specifically of a westerners view of a girl who wears a hijab (since it’s my situation). I’ve already understood the situation in my country, sort of. Main barrier is we have a law that dictates no marriages between a Muslim and a non-Muslim. People have done it but they’d eventually migrate somewhere else where their union won’t be disturbed.

I really wanna know what do they think of us when they see us? And the question: are we repulsive or attractive?

From what I gathered over random blogs, articles, message boards and forums including Reddit, this is it:

1) More often than not, they are attracted, but due to the no-go situation that presents itself they won’t pursue it. Some say prolly try it if the girl is reallyyy attractive and he can’t stop thinking about her but most say they would never ever tread that direction.

– that situation means when a girl in hijab is presumed to be very religious apart from their non hijabi counterparts. It’s easy to tell which is off limits and which aren’t – if they’re wearing a hijab. I’m saying this from the guys’ perspective that won’t mind dating a Muslim girl at all but she must not wear the hijab.
– the different culture and religion would be too much of a baggage to overcome in a long term relationship
– they mentioned about difficult family backgrounds where the family have a big say over her life decisions and it’s something off putting
– also it is assumed that the religion itself isn’t something they could’ve get along with because of the nature of it (words used eg backwards, cult, stoned age, oppressed etc) so a girl following this way of life must have qualities/personalities that they don’t want in a girlfriend
– too much incompatibilities in other specific areas
– thinking right off the bat that a hijabi girl won’t consider them as potential partners as they would’ve prefered someone from their own religion (and is religious) so why start in the first place?
– these people seemed to think that they’re actually being polite and respectful by not approaching her
– they view hijab as a huge barrier in forming a relationship. They would’ve like to, but wouldn’t because of that thing on her head (ikr lol)

2) In the middle ground, they are not attracted to nor repulsed. It’s just not their type and doesn’t flick anything on their minds.

– same like before these people doesn’t think that there’d be any possible chances anyway but they in the first place isn’t open to it. Might as well score a girl with similar attributes than foreign ones.

3) A group of them are definitely repulsed by it and by no means are open nor attracted.

– personal preferences to see hair and more physical features to be attracted to a girl no matter the religion.
– they simply dislike people who are religious regardless of religion
– they dislike the Muslim faith in the first place
– they disagree with the idea of hijab. Some say it’s a disadvantage to a woman’s beauty. Why would you hide your hair?

4) The weird ones. These guys could be trying to approach her simply because she is off limits by his standards. They have a certain picture of hijabi girls and would do it out of personal reasons that aren’t so…pure. It’d be just for fun because they knew it’ll not materialize.

Worthy of mentions:

– one out of 650+ messages has a good understanding of what is hijab and why muslim women wear it and is not repulsed by it for the correct reason. It is very rare to find this type of person.

– one guy said that he was always having these attractions for girls in hijab but never ever told anyone in real life because he knew he’d scare them. lmao

– a few did say that it just purely because they have different beliefs. Not a negative, not a positive. Just a fact that couldn’t be thrown away.

– one admitted to trying out his luck with a hijabi girl simply for fun because he knew the girl doesn’t even consider him anyway.

– one had an actual relationship (it didn’t work out I assumed) with a hijabi girl from a different country and he had only good memories out of it. He said the experience was the same like every other he had with girls of his own country and race. His words were interesting : ‘It is attractive to the open mind.’

– about 5 shared how they would’ve hit it off if the girl actually made an effort to flirt/show clearly that she does considered him as a potential partner and they’d definitely go with it. Crazy isn’t it?

– a few suggested that hijabi girl should take the hijab off if she wants some male attraction and sending the right signals for dating. holy crap!


I must point out that what I’ve collected as a conclusion would be incomplete and probably just a tear off a duct since I haven’t spoke to anyone of my subject interest in real life and was processed through my own mind while having no experience in interracial relationship whatsoever but,

I can see a pattern of men not seeing the hijab itself as a barrier per se but more because of the reason behind it. It signifies loudly that that girl is following a belief system religiously and is simply put off by what it means as per their own understanding. This is the case if the guy doesn’t mind the religion. For some people that dislike/hate Islam in the first place it’s more revolting to even consider them as attractive.

To rephrase, a girl who wears a hijab is generally off limits in a westerners’ dating pool. They can be attracted but won’t ever act on it for a multitude of reasons. But as in every other interracial relationships between other religions and cultures, one thing remains the same – it’s not for everyone.

* The author apologize beforehand if anything written offended a reader and welcome any comments/discussion/sharing about the topic. *