(I wrote this in the first hour of hearing the news of my grandmother’s passing on 12 June 2016. It calms me to be able to write it out since at the time I wasn’t with anyone and have none to immediately talk to.)

12 June 2016 – 8.34am

I was coming out of the shower on a cold rainy morning at my house
Still have my towel on my shoulders, intent to pick up the clothes to wear to work for today
I have 15 mins to get ready, as usual
everything was normal
then my phone rings, an unknown number pops up
You know that’s like a bane to me
I never pick up a random phone call, especially in the mornings when I don’t wanna talk to any mortal beings
My cousin answered, crying and told me that she was gone
My initial reaction was huh
I managed to finish the call not screaming or crying although that’s what I feel inside
but it didn’t came out
the shock just enveloped me that I can’t feel a thing
So I tried to tell everybody in my family through whatsapp and in a minute everyone like woke up and call each other

My oldest sister teared up in the call, and it induced me to cry too
I dont know why i can’t cry on my own
I guess I’m still walking down memory lane in my mind
of everything I’ve managed to remember from all the years with this amazing person in my life
My grandmother.
I was actually the one who told my mother that her mother is gone.
6 days previously she had called, as usual, she always call everyone at all times
trying to talk to us, just asking mundane things like have you eaten? What did you took for lunch? What’s for dinner tonight?
You know that sort of thing
I’m used to it and I get annoyed by it. I ignored her calls many times and I just pick up whenever I feel like it
but recently, in this recent weeks, I never missed one. That I’m glad I did. I dragged my hand to pick up the phone (she usually called on both cell phone and house phone)
I’d answer in ridiculously uninterested tone.
that I remembered ghastly now, I couldn’t figure out why couldn’t be nicer.
should’ve ask more than asnwer her..ask about her day…
I could’ve but I didn’t.
there are a million times and opportunities that I could’ve been better….but I didn’t.
and that’s the thought that has been plaguing me since I answered my cousin crying on the other side of the phone
I think i just lost it
I’m beating myself over it.
It was just 1 hour now.
I still can’t believe it.

To think about this year’s Raya celebration without her
it’s unreal
She’s the one who organized everything
and she’d give everyone everything she have to make us happy and insisted to not dine until everyone else is attended to.
I cant believe she’s gone..i can’t!!
on a Sunday morning when i loathed to go to work..I woke up from a dreamy sleep.

I dreamt about another person quiet dear to me.
that’s another story..but I wish I had dreams of her.

To have some connection to the last minutes in her life.
I was doing what i’d be doing every weekday in this god awful routine of work.
I almost wish it’s something special, that it’s not such a random day
to be the day of her passing from this world
because she’s so special. To me and to our family and to everyone who knew her.

I wish there was some of us with her at the time. My relatives who are neighbours with her brought her to the hospital in the early hours of morning
While the rest of us were in our Sunday mornings just getting by the usual…
I wish this day was more special for her…
she was such an amazingly big hearted person
I’m sorry for ignoring the phone calls
I know that you just wanna talk to me and hear my voice
I’m sorry that I was almost always uninterested, although in random moments later I regretted the way that I answered
And planned to call back, to drive to your house about 2.5 hours away..I don’t know why the distance seem too much for me most of the time
but today I hate myself for not being able to act on my thoughts
I just thought about coming there for iftar, this week
but I know I can’t so I’m planning for next week.
but she don’t have another week.
When God has decided for you, nothing can change it.

I need to learn and shove it into my head that don’t let time fool you.
you think that your life is stagnant with no changes, nothing excites you
But time moves. Time always moves.
and with it the age of the people that matters to you, and someday they’ll leave you.
To not wait to make that call, to be there with them…because when that time has come, nothing can bring it back.


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