Me, Books and Popcorn

I feel so awesome.
Beyond awesome. I get to sit on the steps in the bookstore and read Poppet, new thriller from Mo Hayder.
First few chapters are page opener…but it missed the smoothly crafted eerieness uncomparable to Birdman.
Birdman, I think, honestly is the nearest a thriller/mystery can get to perfection.
I will never forget the first time I delve into Mo Hayder’s twisted world of psychological homicides.

I wore my new sheer blouse I got few months ago (lol not so new)
It is a rather bright piece for me as it’s peach. I paired it with my fave pants
and pink-gray shawl. Which I hate
Frustratingly I bought simple headband from the accessories shop
I ditch driving today for saving money and being sane on the road as I don’t wanna bother about traffic jams and parking lots and bad drivers
So when I hop on the train I immediately recognizes the bursting air conditioner
What I didn’t expect was the headache I get when it moves.
I was dizzied. Fascinating after almost 2 years not using any public transport anymore
When I walked among the throng of Sunday crowds I feel so much like myself
The insecure and invisible me
All these times were spent either at work navigating in my work clothes, appropriate and usual.
Not giving a shit about acquaintances and colleagues whatsoever that passes my breathing space
But I existed and prominent in my work
And I’m there everyday anyway some parts of me were deposited in those old hospital halls and stairs
When I’m out of this comfort zone I retires to myself, the frame fragile and clueless.
I would look up and down and away (mostly away) just picturing whatever I was thinking at the time
I walk in medium pace, the kind you have when you don’t quite know where to go
I feel amiss by the fact that I don’t have anyone to babble
This is all so peculiar because normally I enjoyed my time alone and am a pro at it
I was fast and purposeful.
Today felt like an achievement because I’m able to find my way and be comforted with my books and foods
I sat on an upright bar style table for lunch and suddenly my appetite just withered
I can’t just sit there and watch other people eat because I’m seated at the center and
people mainly guys sat on the next chairs. If I’m totally into my food then I won’t care about genders but today I don’t feel the need
so much and it was really weird…then I opened my Wastelands book and read a few chapters of Stephen King’s The End of All Mess
That made my lunch a whole lot easier to finish
It was just amazing how he writes. I’m much in awe
I didn’t think about anything but this when I’m reading
That rescued me to a place unknown inside my head that I feel secure to just sat there on the table not devouring my food like everyone else.

I realized a lot of insecurities I didn’t deal with
I succumbed to it. I have a car now, alone in it, just blasting music and singing to it

At ease with the inanimate things.

So

I was struck with this thing again. Some random, different guy approached me that it was wildly funny and gut wrenching at the same time. Then there was the fact that the only guy I was ever in love with was indeed or most likely be in planning for a marriage
with his girlfriend of 4 years
But to wrap it all so you can see it how I see it is that all of these are love/soulmate related questions in life
I know I’m not fit for a marriage or a relationship for that matter.
This time it came to me more than once, like bombarding me to a conclusion or a safe spot I can stay for another year/years
It’s a life changing point
And I still don’t know
I don’t care. That, I know of.
About my wellbeing, my family, relationships I have with people because I keep on ruining it all

I do whatever I want.

I don’t know, God is trying to tell me something.
as the saying goes that everything happens for a reason.
Lately the thought of having a completely different person, from a different background, defying all sets of whatever walls I’ve put all these years because I’m just sick with my own cramped imagination these days
Then this happened and it all came together in a nonchalant way that it bothered me so much lol

Today is an achievement that I still value only a few things in my life now
Fictions and popcorn. For today lol
Writing, fantasy characters I donned in role playing games, and food.
What kind of person am I?