So I didn’t write. Any fucking thing. Since like forever. It’s astonishing the amount of writing or just random doodles that I did since I started working. Really it scared me.
Because I write when I’m in an equivalent point with this thing we call life. When I’m in a bad time I will write too. About melancholic things or fictionalized me as a form of escapism. But now for more than one year I can’t write. I can’t. I have tried but I can’t. I lost all those light years in the galaxies of my mind. I forgot how to make a good use of my train of thoughts. Words just didn’t come to me.
I don’t know if this is just my excuse. But I feel suffocated when I’m unable to put thoughts into paper (or online for that matter). And all this time I know as clearly as I did before that all I wanna do is write. I’ve buried the person I was under this facade I wear to work, and everyday bullshit.
Anyway today is the first time I ever got a medical leave from work. Despite being in the healthcare professional line, always around medications and doctors, I hate getting consultation and taking meds. Either one is enough to make me cringe. I think I’m old fashioned. Or something. I just hate getting personal with a stranger that is the Doctor and getting them telling stuff about me. I wanted to get it over with as fast as I can. It’s not a phobia but it does causes me to feel a certain kind of uneasiness. Because I’m such an introvert?? -_- I’m that employee that scared to take holidays. Yes, scared. I feel like I’m disappointing and making my colleagues’ life difficult. Moreover to face my boss and ask for holidays without no apparent reason is just blatant opportunistic. I’m just not that person…I feel bad in not being at work and had someone else to cover the portion of work that I do everyday. Until now I’m still unsure if it’s a good thing or not. Because this attitude gets you bullied or taken advantage by your irresponsible colleagues. I’m all heart and sweat so I never think that coming to work equals to 50% slacking off.
When I was walking into a government building today I feel even more out of place. I’m not made for a routine and a set of ways to succumb into. I can’t possibly sit behind a desk 8-5. I can’t be answering phones in an air conditioned office with cubicles and wear attires according to which day it is in a week. All these thoughts forces me out of my mind.
That’s all I can post about =(