It's All In The Mind

Whatever mattered,literally translated

MH370 : Still Missing

I am reminded back to the flight I took from Lombok (IDN) to KL (MAS). It was turbulent, and we were entering a dead space of air that was left by a plane ahead of us. I am not a seasoned traveller and am afraid of classic stuff like speed and height so naturally I was chilled to the bones, kept a strong grip to my seat and prayed in my heart. Air travel particularly in Asia has improved so much through the years that less than 1 crashes in 2 million flights happened each year. Coming from a country with high fatal road accidents, deaths on the road has become sadly, normal. Very common. I would see accidents in everyday commute to and from work. Still I have a sick stomach everytime I’m boarding a plane.

Today is the 2nd day of search and rescue (SAR) for the missing aircraft MH370 from MAS Airlines, our pioneer aircraft carrier that was formed closely after formation of Malaysia. Historical company, very much forming one of our small country identity at the global front. Being a Malaysian it’s so hard to dissociate yourself from some of the innate ‘Malaysian thing’. As such, some kind of strength is needed to declare this incident as the biggest, most tragic in country’s aviation history if not making it into world charts of deadliest airplane disasters. 239 lives, 14 nationalities on board of the world’s ‘safest passenger aircraft’ Boeing 777. I find it hard, in my search for the truth to compensate the lack of facts that we actually knew about this incident considering the time it was first reported missing ; just 40 mins into departure from KLIA 8th March 2014 @ 1.30am. More than 24 hours after, status still the same ; Missing. Not delayed anymore. Not crashed. Not submerged. Just missing, into the clear night.

Too many conflicting updates especially local vs international sources. Extremely frustrating when seemingly background info on the fateful plane was very hard to milk from authorities. The ‘Malaysian thing’ to do is to provide cushion-effect to every heavy issues that has landed our country. It is very understandable and foreseeable that the authorities’ greatest interest is the families of the passengers. But it is also very natural to concern and feel the need to know, what has fallen to the lives on board on a good weather and without known technical errors? You don’t have to have relatives on that plane to care and feel half the terror from the families of passengers over the whole chronology of event. The sensitivity meter in Malaysia is a very fragile thing. You will get the picture if you gain some time digesting the Malaysian bowl of mixups made from everything – religion, race, politics, cultures, languages etc afraid I missed points there because there are just too many. You can crossed each others’ lines easily whether you’re with intentions or not. So the way authorities are handling the situation – ambidextrous, ambiguous, indirect are what we always get. Malaysians are a soft lot, afraid and very careful in treading the waters of others. I’d like to believe in hopes and hopes and yeah…hopes. At some points in my life I was always at the side, an observer, refusing to bring myself higher than the supposedly ‘allowed’ level of involvement, like the dubious shadow that follows you but never foil your path? I’m not that person to ask for prayers and prayers only. I find it more offending than searching for the truth no matter how hard it may be and counter productive in the event of a catastrophy. The extent of the situation so far is slowly leading us to a place we don’t want to go given the chance – Truth. A flight doomed to end lives, and begins questions, touching the already frail walls we put upon ourselves as fellow countrymen and to the world.

Whilst the people who needs to live on hopes, let live. You may shut your mind but it will come by at last. I, in the other hand is not going to sit through and let my mouth dry of prayers in sadness but to understand. May this understanding gives strength. As long as it is done in a duly manner there should be no obstruction from getting correct information and stop speculations, as the latter arose because of the void left by insufficient/indecisive conveying of insights. These differences make us need each other in this time of need.

I do pray, you know. It don’t need hashtags if I may point out…

To Travel

I’ve read a lot of travel blogs specifically solo/budget travels. It’s clearly in my bucket list. And I think I’ve read too many tips and tricks to kick start the so called ‘Travel life’ which I can’t picture in the near future yet. I don’t even know if I can do it, I have reasons to doubt myself but those are stuff I can improve. Anyway point is Travel life is not starting soon. All I can give is responding to random friends and family’s requests to go somewhere with them. Currently I will be going to Kota Kinabalu this early April =) really looking forward to it. 

While that is keeping me sane sailing this work/life ship my mind travels farther than my body will ever permits. I think. Mind and body have different compass altogether. It transcends whatever walls and limits I’ve built around me. I’ve no desire to stop it because I can’t. So because my body is still my own and dormant until I lay out my plans for it, here’s a small list of where I want to be, one fine day.

(In no particular order because I hate having to prioritise)

  1. The Faroe Islands
  2. South Africa – Cape Town
  3. Morocco
  4. Canary Islands 
  5. Republic of Armenia

Me, Books and Popcorn

I feel so awesome.
Beyond awesome. I get to sit on the steps in the bookstore and read Poppet, new thriller from Mo Hayder.
First few chapters are page opener…but it missed the smoothly crafted eerieness uncomparable to Birdman.
Birdman, I think, honestly is the nearest a thriller/mystery can get to perfection.
I will never forget the first time I delve into Mo Hayder’s twisted world of psychological homicides.

I wore my new sheer blouse I got few months ago (lol not so new)
It is a rather bright piece for me as it’s peach. I paired it with my fave pants
and pink-gray shawl. Which I hate
Frustratingly I bought simple headband from the accessories shop
I ditch driving today for saving money and being sane on the road as I don’t wanna bother about traffic jams and parking lots and bad drivers
So when I hop on the train I immediately recognizes the bursting air conditioner
What I didn’t expect was the headache I get when it moves.
I was dizzied. Fascinating after almost 2 years not using any public transport anymore
When I walked among the throng of Sunday crowds I feel so much like myself
The insecure and invisible me
All these times were spent either at work navigating in my work clothes, appropriate and usual.
Not giving a shit about acquaintances and colleagues whatsoever that passes my breathing space
But I existed and prominent in my work
And I’m there everyday anyway some parts of me were deposited in those old hospital halls and stairs
When I’m out of this comfort zone I retires to myself, the frame fragile and clueless.
I would look up and down and away (mostly away) just picturing whatever I was thinking at the time
I walk in medium pace, the kind you have when you don’t quite know where to go
I feel amiss by the fact that I don’t have anyone to babble
This is all so peculiar because normally I enjoyed my time alone and am a pro at it
I was fast and purposeful.
Today felt like an achievement because I’m able to find my way and be comforted with my books and foods
I sat on an upright bar style table for lunch and suddenly my appetite just withered
I can’t just sit there and watch other people eat because I’m seated at the center and
people mainly guys sat on the next chairs. If I’m totally into my food then I won’t care about genders but today I don’t feel the need
so much and it was really weird…then I opened my Wastelands book and read a few chapters of Stephen King’s The End of All Mess
That made my lunch a whole lot easier to finish
It was just amazing how he writes. I’m much in awe
I didn’t think about anything but this when I’m reading
That rescued me to a place unknown inside my head that I feel secure to just sat there on the table not devouring my food like everyone else.

I realized a lot of insecurities I didn’t deal with
I succumbed to it. I have a car now, alone in it, just blasting music and singing to it

At ease with the inanimate things.

So

I was struck with this thing again. Some random, different guy approached me that it was wildly funny and gut wrenching at the same time. Then there was the fact that the only guy I was ever in love with was indeed or most likely be in planning for a marriage
with his girlfriend of 4 years
But to wrap it all so you can see it how I see it is that all of these are love/soulmate related questions in life
I know I’m not fit for a marriage or a relationship for that matter.
This time it came to me more than once, like bombarding me to a conclusion or a safe spot I can stay for another year/years
It’s a life changing point
And I still don’t know
I don’t care. That, I know of.
About my wellbeing, my family, relationships I have with people because I keep on ruining it all

I do whatever I want.

I don’t know, God is trying to tell me something.
as the saying goes that everything happens for a reason.
Lately the thought of having a completely different person, from a different background, defying all sets of whatever walls I’ve put all these years because I’m just sick with my own cramped imagination these days
Then this happened and it all came together in a nonchalant way that it bothered me so much lol

Today is an achievement that I still value only a few things in my life now
Fictions and popcorn. For today lol
Writing, fantasy characters I donned in role playing games, and food.
What kind of person am I?

23/1/14

So I didn’t write. Any fucking thing. Since like forever. It’s astonishing the amount of writing or just random doodles that I did since I started working. Really it scared me.

Because I write when I’m in an equivalent point with this thing we call life. When I’m in a bad time I will write too. About melancholic things or fictionalized me as a form of escapism. But now for more than one year I can’t write. I can’t. I have tried but I can’t. I lost all those light years in the galaxies of my mind. I forgot how to make a good use of my train of thoughts. Words just didn’t come to me.

I don’t know if this is just my excuse. But I feel suffocated when I’m unable to put thoughts into paper (or online for that matter). And all this time I know as clearly as I did before that all I wanna do is write. I’ve buried the person I was under this facade I wear to work, and everyday bullshit. 

Anyway today is the first time I ever got a medical leave from work. Despite being in the healthcare professional line, always around medications and doctors, I hate getting consultation and taking meds. Either one is enough to make me cringe. I think I’m old fashioned. Or something. I just hate getting personal with a stranger that is the Doctor and getting them telling stuff about me. I wanted to get it over with as fast as I can. It’s not a phobia but it does causes me to feel a certain kind of uneasiness. Because I’m such an introvert?? -_- I’m that employee that scared to take holidays. Yes, scared. I feel like I’m disappointing and making my colleagues’ life difficult. Moreover to face my boss and ask for holidays without no apparent reason is just blatant opportunistic. I’m just not that person…I feel bad in not being at work and had someone else to cover the portion of work that I do everyday. Until now I’m still unsure if it’s a good thing or not. Because this attitude gets you bullied or taken advantage by your irresponsible colleagues. I’m all heart and sweat so I never think that coming to work equals to 50% slacking off. 

When I was walking into a government building today I feel even more out of place. I’m not made for a routine and a set of ways to succumb into. I can’t possibly sit behind a desk 8-5. I can’t be answering phones in an air conditioned office with cubicles and wear attires according to which day it is in a week. All these thoughts forces me out of my mind. 

That’s all I can post about =(

Hello, Goodbye

No resolutions, no new shit to hold on to.
Until I find my way to be at a place where I belong in life, I will not stop feeding this hole in my heart. I was wrong on so many levels. To mend myself I need more than what I am. For this reason I love you more than you’ll ever know.

On ……………. solo travel (fill in the blanks)

My job doesn’t define so this question comes naturally, after spending memorable 6 days in Lombok, Indonesia with another friend. 

We are female, and we are Muslims. 

A total un-standard definition of a traveller especially solo. 

And not out there for reasons such as studying, living overseas, work trips etc but TRAVELLING.

It’s hard to find sources on this, whether someone has done it or is it entirely doable or not. Just a general picture. Even that is not in the webs…I don’t know maybe I’m lazy because it’s midnight and I’m tired but from my tiny experience travelling as a hijab-wearing female at a non-hijab wearing country is attention-grabbing to say the least.

Have to say I hate being looked at because of that thing on my head and the way I dress sometimes. I’m sure someone else in this world has the same experience or at least the same pet peeves! Generally being an under exposed female it’s always uncomfortable when you could feel people’s eyes follows you. I’m aware of the fact that some countries (in fact a handful) has NEVER ever seen/very few times in their lives that they have seen something like women cover their hair in a certain way. Or I don’t know maybe general world population perception is that females in this religion are unlikely to venture alone?? I try to understand that but it still bothers me a little when unnecessary reaction was given to me. Maybe the introverted me who is complaining. I’ve read some inspiring stories on female solo traveller and it makes me itch for the real adventure. But none is specific to a Muslim female traveller.

November

This year my wish is one thing.

And it’s an escape plan. Too many times I’ve been wondering who am I and what makes me the person that I am. Im sure Im in the wrong shoes. It weighted on me all this while. Im at the crossroads of life, being graduated and having my first job…standard life plan. But I ache for something at the other side. Im ungrateful, mean, regretful. Im only 24 but I felt like all 24 years are a waste if I know back then that I’ll be this person today. Recently Ive read about that X Factor AU contestant Bella Ferraro that actually left school because she wasn’t ‘happy’. Her mother was upset but she saw a weight is lifted, and she can sing better after that. And she sang beautifully. The way a person does when she does it with all of her heart. I dont know how to do that. How to put heart into what you do? I dont get it…I dont like what I do in the first place…and I cant force myself. I thought Im this strong person but Im not. Im all that I think Im not. 24 years to come back to square one. 

Always A Woman

She only reveals what she wants you to see

She hides like a child,

but she’s always a woman to me.

She never gives in

She’ll bring out the best 

and the worst you can be

Blame it all on yourself

Cause she’s always a woman to me.

Fyfe Dangerfield ‘She’s Always A Woman’

 

 

 

XX

Light reflects from your shadow

It’s more than I thought could exist

You move through the room

Like breathing was easy

If anyone believes me,

They’ll be as in love with you as I am

Being as in love with you as I am

Update

I’m nearing the end of Phase 1 and about to enter Phase 2 of life. I see my friends are getting scared and nervous preparing for this. My news will arrive probably in early December. I have about 1 month more where I am right now. I don’t know how to face this change but for sure I know I’m very very eager to leave (as I already noted in previous posts). I don’t hate this place but I certainly am crippled by it, by the experiences…it got me somewhere I never before. A good thing but very harsh.

I still haven’t write anything, useful or have continuity values. I seem to stuck at procrastinated jobs and paying my debts for it. I haven’t played my piano, my games; basically stuff that inspires me. I’m devoid of inspiration. It’s milking the life away from me. I’ve been struggling with this, as a person with an explosive other life in mind and having to juggle a profession that needs every focus and passion…it’s hard. Everyone is fighting a different war…

Life (inspiration) and death (routines, jobs). It is a warzone for me. This 1 year is very tough.

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